I am MAN
by Kyou-chan2
Summary: [CRACK] Kamui keeps getting mistaken for a girl and Subaru's attempts to console him only backfire...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If X were mine, do you really think I'd be sitting here in the office my parents made out of my room while I was away at college getting baked on saltwater taffy? No…it would be Mr. Lemon-Heads instead, but alas life isn't what I want it to be…

Every once in a while, the writing gods give me a vision of a story whose scintillating perfection is enough to make me weep. Unfortunately, the gods and I have been quarreling lately…

So instead I give you pure Ooc crack madness.

-Kyou-chan

* * *

**I am MAN**

Kamui was having a bad day, and as he trudged back to Imonyama Mansion after a ruthless barrage of classes, he would have given anything to see it end. All had started out normally that morning when he made a brief stop at a coffee stand before his statistics class. He was just about to pay for his desired cappuchino when a hand from behind caught his wrist.

"No, let me get that!" offered a tall senior, and before Kamui could protest, the boy had already paid for his drink. As he stepped away from the stand, he muttered out an awkward word of thanks, and hoped to walk away without having to say anything more. Unfortunately, he did not get far without the boy following close behind.

"So what's your name?" he chirped eagerly.

He hesitated before replying. "…Kamui…"

"That's a cute name! I'm Taku, by the way."

Kamui shrugged like a parasite was growing on his shoulder. He was already late for his class, and was uneasy that one of the seniors had suddenly taken such an interest in him. And then it happened.

"You have pretty eyes, Kamui-chan. You're the first girl I've seen with that color and—wait! Where are you going?" he cried as Kamui stormed away.

The boy was _hitting_ on him. Kamui sped through the courtyard while fighting back a shudder. This was the third time in a month that this sort of thing happened, and if he learned anything from the previous two encounters it was to walk away, especially with such a big senior interested in him.

However, the boy did not seem to take the hint. "Was it something I said? Don't go! You already have a boyfriend, don't you?"

Kamui halted. A hot plume of rage was boiling up in him, and he clasped the coffee cup with a death grip so that in any moment it would break. This should have been enough warning for anyone with half a brain to leave him be, but the boy only drew closer.

"I should've known…all the really cute girls are always taken."

His eyes narrowed with a simmering glare, and the cup crunched in his palm, sending the scalding hot drink splattering against them both.

"AAAGH! MY EYES! DEAR GOD, I CAN'T SEE!" The senior panicked as he hysterically ran in every direction causing havoc in his wake. Kamui, however, ignored the sudden pain and furiously threw the remains of the cup to the ground.

"I'm a _guy_, you idiot!"

"MY EYES!"

From there, the day did not improve for Kamui. Over his lunch break, he had to go to the school store to replace his coffee-stained jacket. He had just found a uniform in his size when a large hand clapped his shoulder from behind.

"Whoa there, Miss! I think you're in the wrong section!" exclaimed the store manager.

"No, I'm—"

"Now I know how you girls like to experiment with the academy dress code, but we only have enough of these in stock for the boys."

"But! But—" he desperately tried to break in as the man steered him toward the girl's uniforms.

"Now then, princess, why don't you choose a nice skirt and blouse?" Before Kamui could say anything, the uniform was stuffed into his arms. "Go ahead and start with these," he suggested with a wink before hurrying off.

Kamui stared at the bundle of clothes he held, then at the man who was now on the other side of the store. An irritated flush of color rose to his face, and he hurled the girl's uniform away.

Unfortunately, it landed over a girl who was just beginning to browse the skirts so that it shrouded her eyes. "Oh no! WHERE'D EVERYTHING GO? I CAN'T SEE! OUCH! AGGH! WHERE'S EVERYONE!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs while colliding with every shelf that was unlucky enough to be in her blinded path.

"I AM a boy!" screamed Kamui.

"MY EYES!"

Now as he walked back to the mansion, Kamui was on a hell path, glowering back at everyone who set eyes on him. After being mistaken for a girl twice in the span of four hours, he did not know whether to be furious or humiliated, and he hated the insecurity that now haunted him.

It would have been easy to dismiss the boy and manager as unobservant morons, but he could not shake away the feeling that he was too feminine for a boy his age—and his worry only deepened once he arrived back at Imonoyama mansion.

Every few weeks Yuzuriha insisted on throwing inane "togetherness parties" for all of the Seals, which usually ended with only him, Arashi and Sorata being forced into playing board games with her. He had forgotten that today was one of those nights until the second he twisted the doorknob, and he received a hyperactive, pocky-fueled glomp in the dangerous grip of Yuzuriha

"Kamui-san! You're finally here! Everyone's been waiting for you!" she squealed.

He was clearly in no mood to socialize with anyone, but she nevertheless fastened her hand over his wrist and tugged him into the living room.

"Kamui, there ya are!" exclaimed Sorata. "What took ya so long?"

Kamui did not answer as he gawked forward. The other six Dragons of Heaven were all gathered in the same room. He shuddered when he recalled the last time that had happened…

"_Subaru-san, you have to join us! This is a TOGETHERNESS party...what fun is it if you're not together playing with us!" Yuzuriha had coaxed, waving a Monopoly box over her head._

"_I have a job…Obaa-chan's meeting me…I left the oven on at my apartment." Subaru was running dangerously low on excuses to leave early. "I have a hotel reservation tonight with—I mean, I have a job? No wait, the oven! I-I, um, oh God!"_

"_Subaru-san, it's only Monopoly. I play it all the time with my family," Aoki assured him._

_Subaru walked over to the Monopoly board and selected a game piece in resignation. Little did he know that all hell would break loose._

"_Hey, I wanna be the thimble!"_

"_No—I'm always the thimble at home!"_

"_Inuki and I want the thimble!"_

"_No, me!"_

"_Why can't I ever be the thimble?"_

"_But…I already picked it up…" _

"_YAARGH! GET 'EM!" _

"_Wait! Stop! No, my arm doesn't go that way! OW! It hurts!"_

"_Hey, you stepped on my foot!"_

"_No, you placed your foot under my heel!"_

"_GIVE-ME-THE-THIMBLE!"_

"_AAAGH! THAT'S IT!"_

An entire face of the mansion was blown to ruins in seconds. The police said it had been the country's first emergency response over who could be the thimble in Monopoly.

And now they were all sharing the same room once again. He simply did not want to think what would happen if Yuzuriha was planning to have them play Twister.

But what was particularly disturbing was that everyone was wearing a sweater—a blue one for Sorata, red for Karen, brown for Aoki, black for Arashi, yellow for Yuzuriha, and green for Subaru. It was not even cold this time of year.

"Guess what, Kamui? I have a present for you!" She declared, and produced a package bound with ice-cream cone wrapping paper.

He blinked as the bundle was shoved against his chest. "Is it a sweater?" he dared to ask.

She giggled back. "No, of course not! It's a Friendship Sweater!"

"Friendship…_sweater_?"

"Yes! A sweater filled with friendship. A Friendship Sweater!"

"But—"

"FRIENDSHIP SWEATER!" she screamed.

Kamui recoiled, expecting her to enter a sugar coma at any given moment. In the meantime, he gazed suspiciously at the present.

"Go on, Kamui. Open it," urged Karen, who sat cross-legged next to Aoki on the sofa.

"But I'm not cold." Maybe he could forego this stupidity and sulk in his room for the rest of the night.

"None of us were," sighed Subaru. He looked rather miserable standing in the farthest corner.

Kamui stared at the onmyouji. To see Subaru participating in one of these gatherings after the Monopoly ordeal must have involved some form of blackmail.

As if reading his mind, Subaru's eyes lowered reproachfully. "They took my apartment keys…"

"And you're not getting them back until the party's over, Subaru-san!" Yuzuriha held the key ring high. "Now, open your present, Kamui."

He frowned back and delicately tore through the wrapping to the "friendship" sweater. But when it had been freed from its thin prison, Kamui felt his stomach twisting. In his arms was a hot pink sweater.

"It's…pink."

"Yeah, well…that was the only sweater the store had in your size, Kamui-san…in the girl's section," she explained with a wide grin.

Kamui sent a murderous scowl at the sweater. "I'm not wearing this…"

"Aw, come on, Kamui! I bought it just for you!" begged Yuzuriha.

His frown deepened. "I. AM NOT. WEARING. _THIS._"

"But Yuzu-chan worked really hard to put this all together," scolded Sorata. "And what are you doing, Kamui? You're refusing to wear the Friendship Sweater! In the big book of friendship…that makes you a blank page. Do you want that Kamui? _Do you_?" Behind him, Aoki and Karen were nodding solemnly.

"But it's a _pink_ sweater!" he spat back.

The monk shook his head. "Yeah, I guess you have a point there." However, just as he was turning away, Sorata abruptly tackled him to the ground. "YUZU-CHAN! I got him, put on the sweater, quick!"

"No! LET ME GO! I DON'T WANT TO WEAR IT! GET OFF!" He kept screaming at the top of his lungs as he flailed under the larger teen. Nevertheless, his struggle ended in vain, and after a minute of kicking and whipping his fists in the air, he was trapped in the rosy sweater.

He shot poison in Sorata's direction, but was even more vexed when the room erupted with laughter. Karen and Aoki were hanging on to each other as they shook with chuckles, Yuzuriha and Sorata were nearly in tears on the floor, and even Arashi was snickering. Only Subaru looked away, probably more preoccupied with planning to steal back his keys.

"Kamui-san, you look so cute!" Yuzuriha squealed.

"You should make pink your color," remarked Karen.

Kamui forced back a hot blush with a withering look toward everyone in the living room, but any hope of preserving what little dignity he had left was blackened when Sorata regained the composure to speak.

"Ain't he pretty?" He let out a cat call. "Watch out ladies! Looks like you got some competition! Ne, Kamui-_chan_?"

His eyes narrowed to dark slits.

_All the really cute girls are always taken…_

_Now then, princess, why don't you choose a nice skirt and blouse?_

_MY EYES!_

His blood pressure was about to burst. The senior, the store manager, and now the other Dragons of Heaven—they were all building his anger and frustration so that it was only a matter of time until it went frothing over the edges of his self-control. He could already feel the back of his eyes burning.

And then whatever mastery Kamui held over his temper dissolved with a camera flash. Aoki was now taking pictures. With a feral growl, he jerked the camera from the unsuspecting editor's hands and chucked it at the opposite wall. The room then went gravely silent when one of his psychic blasts followed the offending device and demolished the wall.

"_I AM NOT A GIRL! I'M A BOY!" _He ripped off the pink sweater and stomped on it. "_A BOY!"_ He howled with an unintelligible scream and stormed upstairs to his bedroom, leaving the six remaining Seals in a stunned silence.

"That camera…had pictures of my tomato garden on it…" whimpered Aoki.

"Didn't Imonoyama-san just rebuild that wall?" whispered Arashi.

Karen stared at them both with disbelief. "We just watched Kamui-san have a complete mental breakdown over his gender identity…shouldn't someone check on him?"

"I think we oughta just let him scream this one out on his own," Sorata replied uneasily.

Yuzuriha clasped the monk's shoulder and beamed at them all. "Besides! It's time to sing the Friendship Sweater song I wrote!"

Again, the room went quiet before the unlikeliest person among them volunteered to speak. "I'll go see if he's well…" Subaru offered, and he sped up the stairs to avoid whatever sing-along could possibly have involved a sweater.

In the sanctuary of his room, Kamui held his head pressed under the pillow while bleating out anguished moans. Wasn't it obvious to them all that he was anything but a girl with the clothes he wore? Didn't they see that he was flat-chested, that when he spoke, his voice was huskier than that of a sixteen-year old girl? It should have been clear to anyone!

But the disturbing truth was that it was not obvious to strangers and questionable even to the people he lived with. No matter how much he wanted to keep denying it, there was something about him—his face, his build, the way he moved—that overshadowed everything else that made him masculine.

And if that were the case, there was little that Kamui could do to change the predicament. He cringed at the realization and pulled the pillow tighter over his head so that he barely noticed the soft knocking at his door.

"Go away!" he growled. "Leave me alone!"

"Kamui?" called a muffled voice through the doorway. "It's Subaru…can I come in?"

He wearily looked up from his bed at the locked door, and forced himself up from the mattress.

Subaru shifted where he stood. "I just wanted to be sure that you were—" He paused when the lock clicked and the door swung open to reveal a very sullen Kamui, "—all right."

Kamui moved aside, and motioned for the onmyouji to enter. Once he had done so, he quickly shut the door and padded back to his bed. But as he attentively stared the Sumeragi, a silence dangled between them.

"I suppose…you wouldn't want to talk about it?"

If it had been anyone other than Subaru asking the question, Kamui would have already propelled them through the door, but his tranquil green eyes always held a spell over him as he spoke. They were patient and disarming, so that he could not help placing his trust in Subaru above anyone else.

He took a deep breath. "Today…I was buying coffee, and this boy…" he started at his own tremulous voice. "…and then at the clothes store, the manager said I was in the wrong section. And when I got here…" Kamui shook his head bitterly, loathing his day even more as he recounted it.

Subaru gazed at him with his slender eyebrows creased together with sympathy. Kamui glared back; the last thing he wanted was to have Subaru of all people pitying him.

"Don't look at me like that," he snapped.

His face blanked. "I…was just going to say that—"

"What, Subaru? That it isn't as bad as I think? That it isn't my fault people confuse me for a girl? What can you possibly say to help me?"

He exhaled sharply and stepped toward the bedside where he seated himself next to Kamui. "Let me show you something," said Subaru reluctantly as he reached into his back pocket for his wallet. From it, he pulled out a wrinkled photo and handed it to the other boy.

Kamui wordlessly examined it. Beneath the wears and folds of age was a young Subaru with big, green eyes that glowed through long tufts of ebony hair. A wide-rimmed hat was settled over his wild bangs and the clothes he wore were skin tight. However, the most striking feature that left Kamui awestruck was that this boy had an enormous grin over his face while wrapping his arms around an identical girl in a frilly dress that he assumed to be his sister.

The thought that Subaru was even capable of smiling like that sent a strange chill through Kamui. "_That_ was you?" he exclaimed, pointing to the youth in the photo.

Subaru squirmed with discomfort. "Ah, well, no—not exactly. You see, that was taken on Halloween when Onee-chan made us switch places…" he trailed away wistfully.

Kamui gaped. "Wait…THIS is you?" He fingered the blushing girl who looked mortified in the elaborate outfit. "That's you in the tacky dress?"

"I-It was the early nineties!" he cried as he snatched back the picture. "But that's not the point. I'm telling you that know what it's like." He held up the old photo. "When I was your age, they mistook me for a girl."

Kamui shifted his eyes between Subaru and his younger image. "But now you're older…"

"Yes."

Kamui's eyes began to glisten with a revelation. "Then…that must mean that when I get older, I'm going to…that I'm…I'm…" He released a horrible wail from his throat. "I'm DOOMED!"

Subaru nodded. "Exactly. You have nothing to worry—wait…what?"

"Doomed! Doomed to a lifetime of girlish misery!" he bawled with his face in his hands. "Doomed…!"

"No! It means you're going to grow out of it just like I did!" Subaru desperately assured him.

Another hysterical moan left him. "Oh God! _Just_ like you? It's worse than I thought!"

He blinked back. "E-excuse me? Kamui, people don't mistake me for a woman anymore…"

He gave the onmyouji an incredulous stare. "Subaru, you can be a little…"

"A little what?" he demanded.

Kamui cringed as he forced the word out. "Effeminate."

"Effeminate?" whispered Subaru. He looked as though he had just been smacked in the face. "How am I effeminate?"

Kamui raised an eyebrow. "Subaru, look at your legs."

"What's wrong with my legs?" he queried indignantly with a graceful gesture at his lap.

"They're _crossed_!" shouted Kamui. "Girls do that! And the way you just moved your hand—your wrist was _limp_, Subaru! Limp! Don't you know what that means?"

The Sumeragi hastily uncrossed his legs and sat with his fists balled up. "It doesn't mean anything!" His voice was flustered and his face tinted with red.

How anyone could be so lost in denial was beyond Kamui. In exasperation, he stood up and took him by the shoulders. "Subaru. Look at yourself in the mirror! You're not even handsome; you're BEAUTIFUL. You're practically a _queen_!"

Subaru shook himself free. "That's absurd! I don't look or behave like a woman. And no one treats me like one!"

"Yeah, except for the Sakurazukamori."

Kamui instantly regretted letting those words escape from him. Subaru flinched, and his protests went dead. Without looking in his direction, he quietly rose from the bed.

"Subaru, wait! I didn't mean…" he began. But anything he could have said was now meaningless as Subaru walked out the door.

When he was out of sight, Kamui cursed himself. Subaru was only trying to help him feel better. He should have never have said those things, no matter how true they might have been. And even if it was his place, he definitely had no right to mention the Sakurazukamori. The way that Subaru blanched at the name made it obvious that he had dealt a grave blow to the onmyouji.

He reburied himself under his pillow. In one day he had been called a girl three times, temporarily blinded someone twice, and wounded the only person who seemed to care about him. Kamui moaned.

Down the hall from Kamui's bedroom, Subaru could hear the others starting the third chorus of a Friendship Sweater song, but his attention rested on his reflection on the bathroom mirror.

His eyes were too big. His lips were too pink. His shoulders were not broad enough, and his atom's apple was almost nonexistent. It was like discovering himself for the first time as Subaru realized that it was all true.

Seishirou enjoyed telling him how beautiful he was at every chance he had. He opened doors for him, held him like a delicate doll, kissed his hand, and even when they were in bed together…How much of this had Kamui known was true?

He softly banged his head over the sink counter. Was there ever a moment that he was treated like a man? Even as he looked at his sixteen year old self in Hokuto's dress he could not tell himself from a girl. Had he deluded himself that something had changed from that time nine years ago?

He was taller, and his hair no longer fell past his ears in that androgynous style he and Hokuto once shared. Yet looking in the mirror, he saw too much of his old self, that boy he killed nine years ago when his sister died because of him.

His fists clenched over the edges of the sink and he gazed fixedly at himself looking for anything else that could distinguish him from the ashamed, cross-dressed boy in the photograph. There was only the dress and the make-up which painted his face.

The dress…and the make-up. Subaru locked his eyes over the red lipstick one of the girls had left open on the counter.

_You're not even handsome; you're BEAUTIFUL. You're practically a queen!_

A ridiculous, humiliating, and degrading thought entered his mind and he should have ignored it right there. Yet instead of turning away from the counter, Subaru realized that he could not take his eyes off the lipstick.

It gleamed under the lustrous bathroom lights.

(tbc)

Will Kamui's day improve? Will Subaru ever be more secure in his masculinity? Why can't I be the thimble? The answers in the second installment…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: This story is the reason I don't own X…

Oh no… I went and wrote a second installment so here are those answers from the last chapter: no, no and because the last time I was the thimble I went on a rampage abusing my newly acquired thimble powers.

…anyway…warnings for senseless Subaru and Kamui torture…because in my twisted and far-off universe, it's damn hilarious.

* * *

**I am MAN**

"Uh, a bird!"

"No, a plane!"

"God no, it's the first amendment!"

The remaining Dragons of Heaven were gathered around Arashi, who was doing her best to act out the secret word in a rousing game of charades. Sorata was screaming out every word that came to mind for the last five minutes while Karen and Yuzuriha sat back in astonishment and Aoki gorged on a bowl of Barbeque Chips.

"Sora-san, how is _this—_" Yuzuriha began violently flapping her arms, "—the first amendment?"

"Hey, I don't see anyone else throwing out ideas! Come on, Nee-chan, give us more to think on!"

Arashi glared daggers at the monk, but only waved her arms faster.

"Umm….ummm…the flying house of pancakes?"

"NO. I'M A HAMMER!" she screamed.

Sorata blinked. "Oh…"

"Hey, Arashi-chan, you're not supposed to speak!" admonished Karen. Arashi grimaced at them and stormed over to an unoccupied chair in the corner.

"Alright, I got one!" cried out Aoki, whose mouth was full with the potato chips. He hurried to the center of the room, and immediately began acting like a mime trapped in an invisible box.

"Umm, alright…don't tell me!" began Sorata.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them all, especially the windmaster, Aoki had a deadly allergic reaction to Barbequed Potato Chips. At that instant, his throat began to swell shut.

"Okay, you're choking!" exclaimed Yuzuriha as Aoki clutched at his throat.

"Turning blue!" cried Karen.

Aoki squirmed along the floor trying to gurgle for help. In panic, he began crashing into every object in the living room.

"Ramming your head into the wall!"

"Getting a concussion!"

"Bleeding!"

"Writhing in a fetal position with extreme discomfort!"

He passed out in the middle of the living room floor with a trail of blood leaking from his mouth. His leg twitched.

"Dying! Stiff! Um, a log! Come on, Aoki-san, this is really hard!" complained Yuzuriha.

He wasn't moving anymore.

"Oh, I give up!" cried Karen.

"You hear that, Aoki? We give up!" Sorata shouted to the lifeless man.

Yuzuiha pouted. "He's so stubborn…"

"Hey wait a minute…something isn't right," remarked Arashi as she stared at Aoki's body. "Where are Kamui and Subaru-san?"

"That's right." Sorata stepped over Aoki. "It's almost been an hour. I know Kamui's—"

"FLAMING!" screamed Yuzuriha. Arashi and Sorata stared. Karen was resuming their game of charades with the young girl as an attentive audience.

"—upset," continued Sorata. "But he should be down here…I'll go check on them." He then stepped back over the body of their friend and started up the stairs.

* * *

Kamui briskly paced around his bed, but his guilt followed with ease wherever he went. Why did he have to say all those things to Subaru? It was Subaru—he was always there for him when he needed help. He was the only one that truly understood the trials that Kamui went through. Subaru was his kindred spirit, always kind, patient and gentle. He didn't deserve to be hurt like that. 

He briefly halted to stare at his bedroom door, as he had done dozens of times already, with the hope that the onmyouji would come walking through it, and that they could forget all that had been said in the last hour. But Subaru never came, and it confirmed Kamui's fear that what he said could not have been forgotten—that he had truly upset the Sumeragi.

As he stood there listlessly, Kamui realized that the events of this day no longer mattered as much as what he said. _Except for the Sakurazukamori! Why couldn't you just keep your fat mouth shut?_ Kamui sighed as he decided that there was only one thing for him to do: apologize and beg for forgiveness like a sniveling idiot.

He swallowed his pride, and took a tentative step out of his bedroom and into the open. Subaru still must have been in the mansion; he would not have gotten far as long as Yuzuriha held his apartment keys. Downstairs he could hear the others playing charades. Subaru certainly would not want to be anywhere near that spectacle. Kamui glanced down the hall where he saw that the bathroom light was glowing beneath the door. He quietly tiptoed next to it, and rapped his hand against the door.

"Subaru…are you in there?"

He was answered by a shuffling noise on the other side.

He took a deep breath. "Subaru…listen, I shouldn't have said…I didn't mean to hurt your…it wasn't any of my business that you're…" His lungs deflated. His tongue was stumbling over every cliché apology there was. "Look Subaru…I know you were just trying to comfort me. What I said…it wasn't fair to you…and I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry. Really, truly sorry."

He paused, waiting for a voice on the other side to answer. Instead, the strange shuffling noises grew more frantic.

Kamui bent down his head, searching for more to say. "And for what it's worth…I think you're a wonderful person…it doesn't matter what you look like."

Silence.

"Subaru, are you listening?" he called out with faint annoyance.

More silence.

Kamui frowned, and decided that he needed to talk to him face to face. His hand locked over the door knob. "Subaru, please, I just need to apolo—" He pushed the door open, and instantly went quiet.

Standing in front of the sink was a staggeringly beautiful young woman with flowing raven hair and dark red lips. Tall, slender and with pale, creamy skin, she was flawless. She wore a thin, outdated black dress, but nevertheless, it perfectly accentuated every curve of her body as it fell just past her knees. Her gaze was locked on her reflection on the mirror, desperately searching for something unknown to Kamui as he gaped awestruck at this divine creature.

"A-ah, sorry! I thought you were someone else!" he stammered. The woman tore her eyes from the mirror and stared in his direction, although her brilliant eyes appeared lost in a completely different world.

Kamui paled. She had green eyes.

_Oh God._

"_Subaru_?"

His long eyelashes fluttered in a daze and bright jade spheres studied Kamui in confusion. "Kamui…?"

Kamui took a step backwards, unsure whether he should laugh or feel sick to his stomach. "What the hell are you doing dressed like that?"

"Dressed like wha—" His voice hitched when stole a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He jumped back with a start. "OH GOD!" His heel caught on the bathroom rug, and the hysterical onmyouji crashed into the bathtub behind him. "Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!"

The sight of Subaru trapped in a bathtub in complete drag screaming at himself proved to much for Kamui. He doubled over laughing as the poor man's face steadily grew a darker shade of red. In moments they were both in grave danger of passing out, one from uncontrollable laughter and the other from utter mortification.

Only when his chest felt like it was going to catch fire and his lungs were aching for air did Kamui sink his teeth into his bottom lip to suppress himself from another outburst. Oxygen flooded through his body sending his heartbeat pulsing in his ears. Slowly, it tapered back down, and Kamui heard a strange thumping from the bathtub. Subaru was repeatedly thrashing his head against its edge.

"He-hey, what're you doing?"

Subaru looked up in misery. "Killing myself."

"No, wait! I'm done!" Despite his assurances, a string of giggles left Kamui. He clasped a hand over his mouth. "Re-really I'm done! Subaru…let's take a deep breath. We both know it will take too long to bludgeon yourself to death on the bathtub."

"Should I try a razor blade?" queried Subaru bitterly.

Kamui uneasily sat on the edge of the bathtub. Whatever words of comfort could possibly be helpful were lost the moment he stared at Subaru. "Where did you get the dress? And that wig?"

"The attic, I think…" he replied while keeping his eyes over the nearest razor.

"And you have…" He stared at the Sumeragi's chest. "…cleavage?"

He moaned, and shrouded his eyes against his hand. "Attic," he explained more firmly.

"I'm beginning to wonder about Nokoru-san's tastes…What exactly were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking straight!" he snapped back. But his eyes fell past Kamui's shoulder at the old picture that was left sitting at the base of the bathroom mirror. He fell quiet, and Kamui braced himself for a good deal of bitter angsting that only Subaru could provide...even if he was in a dress.

"Nine years ago…I tried to change so much. I killed myself—the person you see in that picture. And after what you said, I kept thinking about the photo and whether I really was different. I wanted to prove…that I wasn't effeminate like in the picture, so I thought if it was obvious I wasn't a girl when I did this—I was only thinking! I didn't notice what happened until you came…" he whispered while cringing at how stupid his excuse was. Putting on a dress to prove that he was not effeminate; leave it to himself to twist even the logic in that.

Kamui narrowed his eyes. "So you're saying that this is all my fault?" He paused, and before Subaru could answer, he caught himself. "No…it is my fault, isn't it? If I had said those things, you wouldn't have been driven to do something…like _this_."

He suddenly brightened. "Wait…you recognized me. That means that you didn't think I was a woman, and I'm not effeminate, doesn't it?"

"Subaru, you're wearing heels."

He looked down. "Yeah, but you—"

"Heels!"

Subaru pouted.

Kamui sighed. "So where did you leave your clothes? The attic?" Subaru absently nodded. "Alright, so first we'll need to go back to the attic so you can change. Then back here to wash off the make-up. Maybe if we hurry, no one will—"

"You're helping me?" whispered Subaru.

Kamui offered him a hand out of the bathtub. "Friends don't let friends cross-dress," he weakly smiled as he helped Subaru to his feet. "Besides, it is my fault."

When Subaru appeared composed enough, Kamui started for the door. "Follow close behind me and we'll—"

"Hey Kamui, where are you?" called Sorata down the hall.

They both turned white.

"Are you in the bathroom?"

"Quick, hide!" cried Kamui.

"Hide? Hide where?" exclaimed Subaru.

"I don't know!"

"Forget it! Just get me out of the dress!" Subaru pointed to the zipper that ran along his back.

"You want him to see you naked?"

"Better than like this!"

Sorata's voice was growing closer to the door. "Subaru, ya in there too?"

Kamui desperately fumbled with the small piece of metal. "The zipper's stuck!"

"Pull on it harder!"

"Don't squirm!"

"Just get it off!"

"I can't!"

"OUCH!"

"My leg!"

The bathroom echoed with several loud crashes as the two tripped over one another, sending objects flying across the marble tiles. When Sorata swung open the door, he was speechless to find Kamui lying over Subaru in a rather intimate position.

He was dumbstruck like he had just witnessed a sex scene gone terribly wrong. "W-whoa...sorry to bother—"

Kamui turned a crimson red as he scrambled off Subaru. "N-no! We weren't—it, it isn't what you think!" He frantically searched for a firm, manly excuse while Sorata kept his bulging eyes over the cross-dressed onmyouji. "We were wrestling!"

They were met with a disgusted stare, and the two grew considerably paler as they waited for the monk to deliver the blow. "Kamui…" scolded Sorata. "…you were wrestling with a _girl_? You could have hurt her!"

Kamui's eyes widened. "W-wait…you don't know who this is?" He pointed at Subaru, who was doing everything in his power to disappear from the room.

He raised an eyebrow. "Nope, not a clue. But I'd sure like to know…" He walked past Kamui, and gently pulled Subaru from the floor. "You didn't injure yourself, did ya, Miss?"

Subaru was trembling with his face cast away from his prying eyes. He was petrified to think of what would happen if his fellow Seal recognized him. Unfortunately for the Sumeragi, Sorata's curiosity prompted him to slide several fingers beneath his chin and lift his face into clear view. He winced, and forced himself to look the Seal in the eye…where there wasn't the slightest glint of recognition.

"You have a pretty face, Miss. You shouldn't hide it. Now what might be your name?"

Subaru fought back a shiver. Why was Sorata staring at him like that?

Kamui quickly stepped in. "This, this is Su—Su—Sumi…her name is Sumi. My…tutor."

Both Sorata and Subaru gave him a hard stare. "You were with your _tutor_ in the bathroom."

He shifted around. "Yes…Sumi was just tutoring me about how the sink works. Weren't you Sumi?"

Subaru violently nodded his head when Sorata gazed back at him.

"The _sink_?"

"I'll have you know it's complicated!" he exclaimed in a quivering voice.

He folded his arms. "So you expect me to believe that you were in the bathroom being tutored about the sink with Miss Sumi when you decided to wrestle…"

"Yes. Yes I do."

Sorata shrugged. "Alright." He was about to head back to the door and leave them, when he abruptly wheeled back around. "But I was sure that I heard Subaru in here."

Kamui was growing more nervous by the second. "O-oh that? I was just doing…my Subaru impression!" He swallowed hard. "'I'm Subaru. I hate my life. Angst angst angst.'"

Sorata grinned. "Hey—that was pretty good!"

Subaru glared at them both, and fought down the impulse to give Kamui a hard kick in the shin. Kamui, on the other hand, was much too uneasy to notice his threatening expression. "O-Of course it's good. That's exactly what you heard, because Subaru isn't here. Nope, he's not here, and he sure isn't standing right next to me wearing a dress and completely fooling you because you're stupid moron!" He twitched. Subaru slapped his forehead.

Sorata blinked. "What was that?"

"So, who wants ice cream?" Subaru spoke for the first time. They both turned their attention to him, and realizing that his voice was too low, he cleared his throat and started again in an octave higher. "I mean, _so who wants ice cream?_"

Sorata was transfixed by him. "Me! Me! I want ice cream! I can go it!"

They were about to breathe a sigh of relief when the Seal turned back to them again. "But hey, before that, you should come down and meet everybody!"

"What? No, I can't!" cried Subaru.

"Yeah, Sumi has to tutor me more, or else I'll fail next week's test!" protested Kamui.

But Sorata had already seized Subaru's wrist, and began dragging him to the door. "Sumi-chan deserves a break. Besides, if it's that important to ya, I'll teach you how the bathtub works this weekend. Now come on, the both of you!"

"But! But!" squeaked Kamui.

Sorata continued to pull the mortified onmyouji down the hall in spite of their protests. "That's enough. You should think of Sumi-chan more as a lady than as a tutor, Kamui. You're workin' her too hard."

Before Subaru could break free of the monk's firm hand, they were already facing the top of the staircase. In the next room below, he could hear the others' voices blathering on with another round of charades. Sorata may have been too thickheaded to see through this disguise, but at least one of the Seals in that room would not be fooled. He squinted his eyes shut. _This isn't happening. This isn't happening._

"Sumi-chan? After you," offered Sorata as he gestured to the staircase.

He was trapped with nowhere to go but down those stairs. Yet he doubted even that would be possible. As he was forcibly yanked through the hallway, he was dangerously close to tripping on those damned heels and breaking an ankle. Walking down a staircase was out of the question.

Apparently, Kamui had read his friend's thoughts as he reluctantly stared at the steps. At once, he stepped in and offered Subaru his arm. "Sumi…you can hold onto me," he said with all his strength to stop the cracking in his voice.

Sorata slapped him on the back. "Way ta go, Kamui. Be a gentleman!"

Subaru hesitated before taking Kamui's arm. The boy's face looked like it was on fire with that scarlet blush, and he was certain that his own face was no different as the situation was growing more awkward between them. In perfect unison, they took a deep breath, and Kamui led the onmyouji down the first step.

Subaru wasted no time in clawing into Kamui. With his head bent low, he started hissing in his ear. "What are we doing? We can't go down there!"

"Quiet," whispered Kamui. "I have a pla—aaa-AHHH." They were at the second step, and it was clear that they would not be getting down the staircase in one piece. Subaru had a death grip on his entire arm that cut off his circulation. He cringed in agony. "Subar—ah, Sumi…you're breaking my arm…" he hissed.

Kamui was certain that lost somewhere in his apprehensive green eyes, Subaru was satisfied at his pain because his second arm mercilessly fastened over his shoulder. "I _don't_ sound like that. I don't chant 'angst, angst, angst!'"

He stifled a cry of pain. Spots were dancing in front of his eyes at the lack of blood and oxygen by the third step. If Subaru had to dress like a girl, then why the hell did he choose to wear heels that were impossible for anyone to walk in, least of all when walking down a staircase that was becoming the bane of their existence?

Kamui growled at the onmyouji, who was now practically squeezing the life out of him, on his back. "You just _said_ 'angst, angst, an—AH GOD, IT HURTS!" Unable to last a second longer, Kamui passed out, and went tumbling down the steps with Subaru not far behind. With a terrible thud, he landed face-first onto the hard wooden floor. In his state of unconsciousness, he let out a low and miserable wail, which was quickly silenced when the Sumeragi crashed directly over his small body.

"DON'T WORRY, SUMI! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Sorata shouted before sliding down the railing. Subaru glanced up at the staircase to see the monk flying down the rail gracefully with heroic speed—

— straight into the end of the railing where a thick, wooden newel blocked his descent. Subaru kept his eyelids tightly shut as Sorata howled in the aftermath of his impulsive stupidity.

However, the sounds in the next room worried the onmyouji much more, especially when there came an amplified shriek that made his heart drop.

"SUBARU'S A DRAG QUEEN!"

Yuzuriha's shrill cry broke Kamui out of his ensuing coma, and at once he shot up from the floor. "No! No he's not!" He tried to scream as he jumped in front of his disgraced friend.

"I didn't want to! It just happened—the dress and the hair and, and the cleavage! And the heels, the _horrible_ heels! WHY?" wailed Subaru on his knees.

All eyes turned on them through the doorway of the living room. Even Aoki gave a sudden twitch as the rigor mortis set in. Karen was the first to stand from her seat, and gave them both a puzzled look. "What are you talking about? We were just playing charades…"

Kamui blinked. "Ch-charades?"

"Yeah…you know, that old seventies song, 'Subaru's a Drag Queen'?"

"O-Oh…" muttered the boy meekly. Behind him, Subaru looked like he was going to faint dead away.

"So who's your friend, Kamui-san?" prodded Yuzuriha.

Before Subaru had the luck of blacking out, he was caught against Sorata's chest, and lifted back upright. "Everyone, meet Sumi-chan! She's been tutoring Kamui."

Immediately, Yuzuriha bobbed over to take his hands in a firm grip. Behind her, Karen was staring. At one moment, she opened her mouth as if to expose him on the spot, but she then did a double-take at him, and remained in a guarded silence. She shook her head, dismissing the very idea that the person in front of her could possibly be the onmyouji, if only because it too absurd to be believed.

Arashi, however, was shooting him a withering glare. Her eyes were dark and glistened with a hint of jealousy when they fell on Subaru. He shifted uncomfortably first, unsure why he was suddenly the object of hatred of the secretive shrine maiden, but only a glance behind gave him his answer.

Sorata was staring wide-eyed at his hips. Suddenly he felt the urge to vomit.

Meanwhile, Yuzuriha was chattering on with Inuki brushed up against her legs. The dog spirit's eyes were enlarged as if there were a message written in those dark marbles that amounted to _what the hell do you think you're doing, you gender confused fairy?_

Maybe he should not have been focusing so much attention into what an invisible dog what thinking about him.

"Oh, and you have such pretty green eyes, too, Sumi-chan!" continued Yuzuriha.

Arashi started. "Green eyes?"

Sorata scratched his head. "Oh yeah…that reminds me. Where is Subaru, Kamui?"

Kamui fidgeted. "He…um…saw a panda bear. A panda bear that was eating…his shoe. And then it escaped out of the window, and he chased after it!" Once again, everyone stared. Subaru gave him a very dark glower.

"Kamui, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard…" muttered Sorata. Kamui looked down with shame. "Everyone knows that the upstairs windows are always locked!"

Yet before anyone else could comment, Sorata's head whipped up with a slightly mad glimmer in his eye. "Wait…that means there's a panda roaming upstairs! Everyone, for _the love of God, get out of here! _Evacuate the women and children first!" He grabbed Subaru's wrist, heaved a screaming and kicking Kamui up with the other arm and hurried to the front door. "No, wait! Not the front door! That's just what the panda expects us to do!"

Despite the monk's obvious psychotic episode, Karen stood from her chair with relaxed ease and started for the back door down the hall. "That's right, we were going to go out for dinner after we finished with charades."

Subaru turned around as he was being dragged out the door, nearly in hysterical tears. "Dinner? No—not outside! I can't go outside! NOT OUTSIDE!"

"LET ME GO LET ME GO LET ME GO!" shrieked Kamui as he wormed in Sorata's firm hold.

"Oooh! Let's go to the Taco Hut! Inuki almost has the complete Barbie set in the kid's meals!" squealed Yuzuriha.

_Just the Hiker Go-Go Girl Barbie Toy and my life's work is complete! _Inuki thought as he trailed out the door after the young girl.

Arashi was seething after Subaru and Sorata. "HATE."

And Aoki…well, he just lied there on the floor lifeless and cold.

"Aoki-san…Aoki-san?" called Karen, who after some Aoki-less amount of time, reentered the mansion.

Aoki didn't move.

"We're done with charades! Now come on."

Still no movement.

She blinked. "Aoki-san?"

Even still nothing, although in the time she took to blink, Aoki was now wearing a funny hat as he lied there motionlessly.

"You _are_ stubborn…" she sighed to the stiff editor. With an annoyed grunt, she lifted his heels to her shoulders, and dragged him out of the mansion.

With everyone now out of the mansion, the abandoned estate seeped into an unprecedented calm—that was, until a strange rustling sound upstairs shattered the eerie quiet. In the closet by Kamui's room, there was a great rummaging of brooms and other cleaning supplies. The door gave way, and two giant panda bears tumbled out of the closet.

"I told they knew we were here!" the first panda exclaimed.

The other bear shrugged. "Yeah, whatever. Let's go finish off the last of that guy's shoe."

To be continued…

* * *

It's past midnight. I've got work early tomorrow. I need sleep, and this is what happens when I delay it. Any questions? 

Good. Now should anyone fail in killing me for this chapter, I'll get to the third installment sometime.

And now, for those who are supporting me in this madness when they probably shouldn't:

**0ri:** Wee! Thanks for reviewing. I shall continue…!

**tragic ending:** Sorry…the voices made me do it! And yes, there is a friendship sweater song…

**TintAngel:** Indeed he is. Very beautiful.

**Sakora4:** Oh, if you think I'll stop torturing him anytime soon than you're underestimating my powers of evil.

**Firey Chronicles:** I'll try and update about every week…unless the evil college witches trap me in their homework pen of doom…

**mooneasterbunny: **(laughs evilly) very well then…I won't.

**loversangel:** usually I don't get that when I write crack. But thank you for saying so!

**Darkmoon Fleur:** Thank you, thank you! Yes, only a beginning to this crazy fun house of SK torture!

**White Phoenix Eternal:** Poor, poor Kamui-kun. And yes, against my conscience I'm thinking of it…

**CalasstriaStar:** I know! It's JUST not fair!

**Miss Midori:** Gentle humor, huh? Well that's all going to hell with this chapter…and beware the Aguilera (she be a succubus out to suck our souls).

**Jacaranda: **(laughs) Don't apologize for a sugar high. How do you think this stuff writes itself?


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: This story is the reason I don't own X.

Your assassination attempts were pathetic. Here's a new chapter...

* * *

**I am MAN**

"Sumi-chan? Are you hyperventilating?"

"No…" wheezed Subaru. "I'm…try…ing…to…suffo…cate…myself…"

"Ahahaha, Sumi's joking!" stepped in Kamui. "Suffocating herself…no, she's just cold." Behind him, Subaru fainted to the ground. He swallowed hard. "Ha…ha…"

They were standing under a defective neon sign of a nightclub in downtown Tokyo. After an hour of avoiding homicidal, invisible pandas across the city, the seven Dragons of Heaven (the limp and motionless windmaster being dragged among them) settled for this inconspicuous building to dine in.

Needless to say, Subaru was going through quite an ordeal after an hour walking in the nighttime city in flawless drag. It was difficult enough that everyone that passed believed that he was a woman, but even worse was that he was a _pretty_ woman. After several cat calls and wide-eyed stares, Subaru was a whimpering mess. Yet to the onmyouji's credit, Kamui was surprised that he had not run himself into traffic or ripped off the dress and gone into a screaming fit.

Sorata leapt forward. "Sumi-chan's cold? She can wear my Friendship Sweater!"

Just the ominous words "friendship sweater" roused Subaru from unconsciousness—something that he deeply regretted when the first thing he saw were Sorata's anxious eyes over him.

"So how 'bout it Sumi? Do you want my Friendship Sweater? It could be _our_ Friendship Sweater."

"What's that sound?" Karen broke in. A disturbing noise was steadily growing more audible with every word Sorata spoke.

Yuzuriha frowned. "It sounds like a cat trying to cough out a hairball while its tail is in a blender…"

_Inuki: It's the sound my heart makes for Taco Hut…_

"No," disagreed Sorata. "It's more like two goats and a walrus having at it as an angel loses its wings."

Dead silence.

"What the HELL does that mean?" screamed Kamui.

As the horrible cat-coughing, angel-affronting sound amplified, the Seals turned around to face Arashi, who was about to burst a blood vessel glaring at Subaru.

Sorata stared. "Nee-chan…are you speaking in tongues?"

Arashi's growling grew louder.

Karen clapped her hands. "All right then…so who's hungry?"

Everyone quickly hurried into the nightclub, even Subaru, who was presently more frightened by the shrine maiden than his current situation.

When they arrived at one of the tables in the middle of the building, one of the Seals had issues getting into his seat. Every time that Karen placed the incapacitated editor into his chair, he slumped out of it. After the fourth time that this happened, she flagged down the nearest waitress.

"Can we get a booster seat over here?"

Kamui gaped as Karen was stuffing Aoki into the booster seat. "Is…he alright?"

"Oh, Aoki-san's just still playing charades. He won't give up until we figure out what he is!" chirped Yuzuriha. "Let's see…a puppet? A doll? A dead raccoon!"

Something inside Aoki's body cracked when Karen gave him a hard shove into his chair. "Fit in there, _dammit_!"

Doing his best to ignore the spectacle, Kamui turned his attention back to Subaru's plight. The onmyouji was now between killing himself or getting killed by the evil stare Arashi kept sending in his direction. Realizing that it was time to make a momentary exit, Kamui cleared his throat.

"Oh no. It seems that I have misplaced my fork. It must be under the table," he remarked while staring directly at Subaru.

"Kamui-san, what are you talking about?" started Yuzuriha. "None of us have forks and—"

His voice changed an octave higher. "I LOST MY FORK! Sumi, will you help me FIND IT under the TABLE."

Subaru swallowed hard and slid out of his chair under the chipped, gum-infested table, and he instantly let free a broken sob he had been holding in for an hour. "I can't believe they don't notice!" he wailed.

Kamui gazed beyond the Sumeragi's shoulder at Aoki's stiff leg. "I know…it should have been obvious that he was dead when those rats followed us from the sewer."

Subaru flinched back with even more hurt in his expression. "N-No…they haven't noticed me!"

"You're upset that none of them realized that you're cross-dressing?" whispered Kamui.

"Yes. I m-mean no!" Subaru hesitated. "I…why don't they see that I'm not a woman?"

With a deep frown, Kamui realized that he had an obligation as a friend to explain the intricate truth to the onmyouji. Even more difficult was that as he was staring at Subaru under that dank and musty table he was seeing his future in him. Subaru was everything he was going to be one day.

And that had to be the most depressing thought Kamui ever had.

"Subaru…you're a beautiful girl. Men, and possibly some women, stare at you down the street and they think of getting you in a room and ripping off your clothes with a couple of camera men and perhaps one or two midgets. That's who you are." He paused. "Subaru? Subaru, are you listening?"

Subaru was gaping forward very much like he had gone within his soul again. He was frozen without the slightest hint of color over his complexion. The only clue that assured Kamui that Subaru was even still with him was that he was trembling with an odd mixture of suicidal nausea coupled with an uncanny look of horror on his face.

Kamui sighed. "Right then. So when you regain the will to live…or the feeling in your legs, I have a plan. I'll steal back the apartment key from Yuzuriha, while you get out of here and meet me at the building. Then we can pretend that this never happened."

Subaru did not move, and Kamui sighed as he rose back to his seat.

"All I'm saying is why couldn't we have gone to that Taco Hut across the street? Or the one across from that one? Or the one in the back alley?" Yuzuriha complained to Sorata.

"Yuzu-chan, that wasn't a Taco Hut…that was two bums fighting over a turkey sandwich," corrected Karen.

"And besides, everyone knows that pandas are attracted to taco meat!" exclaimed Sorata. "It's a law of nature. If we walked into a Taco Hut, what's stopping the place from being overrun by them all? I don't know about you, but I just can't take that risk."

"But Taco Hut has the Barbie toys with the kid's meals! Inuki's so close to getting them all!" At her side, the dog spirit was whining.

Sorata's eyes shifted around the table. "Well, uh, this place has bar nuts! The panda's natural enemies are bar nuts and tractors. And bar nuts have a special surprise inside!

"You mean bits of glass and Cirrhosis?"

"Exactly! What can be more fun than the magic of discovery?"

Kamui swallowed hard at the difficult task he had at hand. He had to remember that he was doing this for Subaru, who at the moment was having a hard and depressing look at his own soul. With that thought, he forced a wide smile at the young girl.

"So Yuzuriha-chan…what's new?"

She pouted. "Sora-san won't let us go to the Taco Hut."

"I told you, the pandas are there!" fought back Sorata.

"Th-the pandas…" muttered back Kamui. This was for Subaru. God help him, for Subaru.

Sorata's expression hardened, and he went misty-eyed. "I'll never forget it. It was the day I arrived at the ranch on leave from my training at Kouya. It was dark and stormy, and yet the clouds parted and the sun shined over a horse. Her name…was Buttercup…"

_Fifteen minutes of incoherent horse-drabble and one whopping migraine later…_

"…and I never saw 'ol Buttercup again. As she rode off into the sunset, only one word escaped my lips. Pandas."

Yuzuriha was near tears. Karen's bottom lip quivered. Even Arashi showed a rare flash of emotion. Meanwhile, Kamui's eye was twitching angrily. "That had nothing to do with pandas! You just said the word 'pandas' at the end!"

Sorata looked offended. "Well, if you were listenin' at all to the subtext of the story, you'd see it was all about the evil of pandas!"

"Pandas aren't evil! They don't even eat meat much less tacos! And they don't attack people in family restaurants!" exploded Kamui.

"That's just what the panda-manipulated press would have ya believe, Kamui. Just tell that to Subaru. The panda attacked his shoe, right?"

Kamui was reaching the end of his patience, but in the middle of this stupidity, he found his chance to shift the conversation. "Right, Subaru—he ran off. So Yuzuriha-chan, if you just give me the keys to his apartment, I can give them to him when I see him, and—"

"Poor Buttercup….waaaaah!" Yuzuriha wailed against Karen's shoulder.

Kamui slouched down in his seat with a low moan. In seconds, he would be the one under the table crying. But just as he was sure that the situation could not be improved, a shifting sound below captured his startled attention.

Beneath the table, Subaru emerged with a blank expression. His eyes did not appear to register anyone who surrounded the table, regardless of their curious stares over him. His attention rested only on the green exit sign, and he started toward the door without a word to the others.

"Sumi-chan? Didya find Kamui's fork?" queried Sorata.

Subaru hurried faster, but his legs were like deadwood and he knew that he was not going to get far with those damnable heels.

"Sumi-chan? Where're you going?" When Sorata made the effort to stand from his seat to go after the fleeing onmyouji, Kamui quickly blocked his path.

"Sumi's got to leave now! She needs to go home!" he cried.

The monk's eyes swelled with disappointment. "Already? But we just got here. And…and the PANDAS!"

Subaru tripped over his own feet and crashed to the floor.

"What if Sumi-chan gets attacked!" exclaimed Sorata.

"Will you stop about the pandas!" growled Arashi, who for the first time in the hour said a full sentence. As far as she was concerned, the sooner Subaru left, the better.

Sorata looked down and muttered something unintelligible, while Subaru was lifted back to his feet by several all-too-eager men in the club. Unfortunately, before the Sumeragi had the slightest hope of escaping the building, Sorata's face flashed with an idea.

"I know! I'll dance with Sumi-chan so she'll have fun and'll have to stay with us!"

"Wh-what?" cried Kamui.

"What!" hissed Arashi.

In the arms of one of the patrons, Subaru snapped his head back at the table. "Wha…what…"

Before he knew what was happening, Sorata stalked over him, and took his hand. "Come on, a song's about to start. It'll be fun."

Subaru struggled to no avail to escape his resolute grip, but Sorata continued to lead him to the dance floor near the front of the building. "N-no, I really don't want to—aaah!" His protests turned into a shudder when he was pressed against the Seal's chest and led into the melody of a slow song. He stifled a cry, and gazed helplessly through the throngs of people for Kamui, his green eyes begging for some form of salvation.

Kamui, however, had another task at hand, and now that Sorata was blathering on about homicidal herbivorous bears somewhere else, he had the chance to complete it. He felt a small twitch of guilt at leaving Subaru with the hormone-driven monk, but he nevertheless had to press on to save the poor onmyouji from any more trauma.

He turned again to face Yuzuriha, who had regained enough composure for him to prod her once more. "So…the key. I can give it to Subaru and—"

"Isn't Sumi-san pretty? I wish I could get eyeliner on as straight as she can…" she interjected.

"And Sorata-san seems to have taken to her," added Karen slyly. Her voice was quickly offset by a feral growl from Arashi's direction.

"Subaru's keys…? Are you listening?" he implored the girl.

"And she's so thin! That's not fair!"

"Yeah, I'd like to see any of the other girls here fit into that black dress," continued Karen. "I bet she can eat a whole plate of the buffalo wings here and not gain a pound!"

It did not take long for Kamui to realize that his pleas were going unheard.

…_Girl talk..._

Several feet away, Sorata appeared to be having the time of his life with Subaru being forced along the dance floor in his arms. Subaru, however, was darkly considering incapacitating the disc jockey, who seemed so intent on playing nothing but slow songs for the duration of his torture.

"So are ya in the Clamp college, Sumi-chan?" he whispered into his ear.

Subaru hissed. "You…can say th-that." He did not like how Sorata's hands were fastened over his hips.

"A college girl," he remarked with a grin as his palm moved lower over Subaru. "Ya know, in about a year or so, I'll be in college, so I—OW!" He suddenly howled when Subaru drove his heel into the monk's foot.

His heart leapt when Sorata released him, and he contemplated whether he should make a break for it and run to the nearest exit. Unfortunately, Sorata did not seem to take the hint as his arms soon were repositioned over his body.

"Must've taken a wrong step…" the Seal muttered with a wince of pain. "So tell me about your—OWWW!"

Back at the table, Yuzuriha and Karen were going on about pastel colors. "All I'm saying, is that with green eyes like that, Sumi-san would look good in a lighter dress."

"I don't know," broke in Kamui, who unconsciously had his legs crossed. "I think darker colors would bring out that shade of forest green." He paused, and looked down at himself. "_Oh god! IT'S HAPPENING!_"

"Hm, Kamui-san might be right," mused Karen.

Yuzuriha sprung out of her seat. "I know! I can go get Sumi-san a Friendship Sweater! I hope the store's still open!"

"N-no!" cried Kamui after the girl. "No Friendship Sweater! Don't go, the keys, the pastel colors! NO!"

She giggled as she skipped away out of his grasp. "Oh Kamui-san! You're silly. Tell you what, I'll buy you a new Friendship Sweater, too! And don't worry, it won't be a pastel color!" Yuzuriha then bobbed through a crowd of people, and was lost from sight.

"But…the keys…" he whimpered to the empty chair that she once occupied.

"A statue!" exclaimed Karen, who resumed the ill-fated game of charades with the stiff editor in the booster seat. "…a baby? A dead baby!"

Kamui gazed at them both, realizing there was little he could do now to ease Subaru's situation. However, as Arashi's jealous wheezing permeated deeper into his hopeless thoughts, he started with a new idea. He stood, and like approaching an angry cat, he took Arashi's hand and hurried onto the dance floor.

He was vaguely aware of her struggling against him and scratching at his wrist, but he managed to ignore it all until he found Subaru coming close to impaling Sorata's foot.

"OW! OW! OW!...Can I have your phone number? OOOOWW!" screamed Sorata.

With a deep breath, Kamui broke the two apart. "Can, can we cut in?" he stammered.

Sorata's eyes sparkled at Arashi, who was about to tear at someone's throat. "Nee-chan wants to dance with me? Rea-really?"

Arashi glared at Kamui, then Sorata, and finally gave the worse glower to Subaru, knowing that if she refused, Sorata would continue growing closer to this impetuous "other woman." Biting her lip, she hesitantly nodded, and Sorata looked like he could back-flip with joy.

Once released, Subaru practically fell into Kamui's arms. With little difficulty, he dragged the onmyouji off the dance floor.

Not surprisingly, the first thing Subaru did was let out a wretched moan. "Kill me. Murder me now!"

"It couldn't have been so bad," Kamui attempted to console him.

He shivered. "He tried to fondle me."

"Really? And he didn't notice that you were a guy while doing that?" he asked back.

For the second time that day, Kamui deeply regretted his choice of words. Subaru flinched and broke out into hysterics. "I…I…I! I am a _man!_ I am…"

"Ssh! Ssh!" he tried to hush the Sumeragi as people nearby were beginning to stare.

"…I am…" he cried.

"Don't cry, Subaru…your mascara will run." He rubbed Subaru's back as he whimpered against his shoulder, and then braced himself before he spoke next. "Now about your apartment keys…"

* * *

"Isn't this fun, Nee-chan? This is the best night of my life!" Sorata exclaimed over and over as he held Arashi tight over his larger frame. 

Arashi stared over his shoulder, keeping a careful watch for Subaru. "Mn."

"And there's not a single Panda to be seen!"

"Mn!" Arashi froze and dug her fingernails into Sorata the moment she caught a glimpse of a woman in a black dress. She ignored his cries of pain, and sent the unfortunate woman a glare that could melt flesh.

His eyes glittered in spite of the fact that his shoulders were beginning to bleed. "But you know, Nee-chan…I'd protect you from them even if they _were _here."

The music abruptly stopped, and the DJ leaned into the microphone. "Alright, is everyone havin' a good time out there?"

He was answered by an awkward silence. Swallowing hard, he put on an applause track. "Well, now it's time to welcome the club mascot this evening…everyone make some noise for BARTY, the DANCING PANDA!"

From the back room, a man wearing a shabby panda suit burst onto the dance floor to the cheers of nearly everyone.

"We love you, Barty!"

"GO BARTY!"

As the strange mascot started break dancing no more than five feet away, Sorata was convulsing.

"Sorata?" The sight of the monk psychotically regressing broke Arashi out of her homicidal spell.

"BARTY! BARTY! BARTY!"

His eyes were raging "PAN…DA…"

"Sorata…"

He quietly broke away from Arashi without taking his eyes off the dancing club mascot. "Don't worry, Nee-chan. I'LL take care of this." Sorata hurried away from the dance floor, leaving Arashi alone.

It did not take the mascot long to notice her standing there, and he danced the robot in her direction. She paled considerably when it started jumping around her.

"Stop it…" she muttered when the panda made a kissy-noise at her.

The bear tried to take her arms as it started square dancing in front of her. Arashi's eye twitched, and she drove a fist into the bear's head. "I said stop it!"

The music silenced with a collective gasp from the rest of the nightclub. As all eyes fell on her and the weeping panda, Arashi uncomfortably shifted where she stood.

"Hey! She hit Barty!"

"Panda's have feelings, too!"

"Panda-hater!"

It looked as if Arashi was about to be engulfed by the angry mob, when a voice suddenly broke through their angry cries.

"Nee-chan! I'm COMING!" screamed Sorata. At once, he plowed through the crowd holding a broom. Leaping to her side, he pointed the cleaning implement at the mascot. "You've danced your last 'robot', Panda Bear!"

"Oh God, he's gotta broom! Everybody duck!"

"RRAGH!" With his battle cry he charged at the man in the panda suit.

_

* * *

Thump…thump…thump… _

Kamui folded his arms as he watched Subaru repeatedly plow his head into the wooden table. Behind him, a guy in a panda suit was screaming and flailing his arms across the room with Sorata close behind waving a broom.

"I thought we already established that there wasn't much point in you bashing yourself to death," he remarked as Subaru continued with his self-mutilation.

Subaru rested his head against the table. "Do you really see something else we can do?" he snapped. "We're trapped in a nightclub in downtown Tokyo! I'm in a dress…I've been stared at, fondled and sexually solicited about five times since we got here. And now you tell me that there's no way to get back into my apartment and escape this nightmare!"

"What if we break into the apartment?" offered Kamui.

Subaru cringed. "Security system…" After the last time Seishirou had broken into one of his windows to sneak some rather inappropriate pictures of him in the shower, he had installed a top-of-the-line security system. Incidentally, the only one it could not keep out was the Sakurazukamori, who had no trouble creeping into his bedroom on the following night.

"Um…what about a store? Maybe we can buy some new clothes and you could change in a—"

"Do you have any money? Because if you haven't noticed, this dress doesn't exactly have pockets to carry it."

Kamui looked down thoughtfully. In their silence, Sorata's screams filled the air several yards away ("DIE PANDA! I'll broom ya good!") along with several loud crashes as the panda man ran for his life.

"…you didn't bring a purse with you?"

Subaru frowned. "I didn't think of it…"

"Hm…because a black purse would match your shoes quite nicely."

"Really? I thought it would look superficial."

Kamui shook his head. "No, not at all. I think with a small black purse you would look…" he trailed away as he caught himself reverting to the feminine side a second time. "GAAH! Make it stop!"

A loud bark unexpectedly followed Kamui's outburst, and the two Seals turned to the source of the noise. Inuki stared back up at them wagging his tail with abandon. However, what caught their attention the most was the small object glittering in the dog spirit's mouth.

"He's got your keys!" cried Kamui.

Slowly, they rose from the table and took a delicate step toward the dog.

"Here, Inuki…good boy…"

"WOOF!" exclaimed Inuki, and he rushed off into the chaotic nightclub crowd, before either Kamui or Subaru could get a step closer.

Kamui stared after the creature as Subaru whimpered.

"That dog is pure evil…"

* * *

"Leave me alone! I just want to love!" howled Barty the Panda as he rushed past one of the broken tables that Sorata had already laid to waste with his terrible broom. 

"You're not getting away this time, Panda! Taste the fury of my bar nuts!" From his pocket, Sorata produced a handful of the tasty snack.

Barty shuddered. "No! Not bar nuts! I'm allergic!"

Not far away, Karen was looking over a drink list alongside Aoki. "Hm…not much to eat here. I think I'll get the spicy nachos…"

Aoki slumped forward and his head pounded against the menu laid out for him.

Karen shrugged, and slid the menu away from Aoki's head. "All right. I'll get you your buffalo wings…just wait here while I go place the order." Karen rose and started toward the bar table.

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" screamed the guy in the panda suit as he was being pelted by the fatal bar nuts. The furry mascot hurried past, and accidentally plowed into Aoki's table in his flight.

Aoki fell to the floor like a limp doll as the panda recovered enough to continue running.

"Gabloogabloogabloogh!" screamed Sorata. As he ran at full speed toward the imperiled mascot, he tripped over Aoki's body, and crashed into the table. In seconds, he was out cold.

With the chaos in the nightclub subsiding, the man in the panda suit walked over to the editor. "You saved Barty-the-Panda's life…"

"He's a hero!" screamed one of the customers.

"Hooray for the lifeless stranger!"

A crowd gathered over Aoki as Sorata and Arashi were dragged away screaming. They lifted him from the floor, and carried him off with a heartened cheer. "All hail the Panda-savior! Hip-hip hooray!"

Several minutes later, Karen returned to the destroyed table with the spicy bar food.

"I can't believe they charged that much for a plate of buffalo wings! You better enjoy them!" She paused and surveyed the ruined table that was vacant of the windmaster.

"…Aoki-san?"

To be continued…

* * *

No pandas or people resembling pandas were harmed in the writing of this story. In all likelihood the next chapter is probably the last. We'll see. 

_For the people who continue (rather unwisely) to encourage me:_

_**Meirav:** You reviewed! (huggles) I love you! I'll let you know where you can download it when I find it…lol._

_**Miss Midori:** (grins) Let your family think you're crazy! And I love you too Subaru! Be yourself! A man…woman…bishonen…thing._

_**Tanuki-dono:** even I don't know how I come up with this. But yes, it certainly is fun!_

_**0ri:** Your wish will be granted! And who can't feel pity for Subaru-kun…and just laugh? That's me._

_**CalasstriaStar:** shame on you Subaru! Hokuto be giggling up in the clouds. And what a wacky adventure this is shaping up for the both of them!_

_**Hatori Soma:** wtf, indeed. Perhaps the best reaction I've had to describe this story._

_**LadyoftheBlackWings:** huahaha! Always happy to kill a few brain cells with my work!_

_**Sakora4:** Oh I shall. What torture I shall give!_

_**Firey Chronicles:** Indeed you are. As for Kamui in a dress…I believe I've done that in a previous fic (along with Seishirou in bunny pjs…)_

_**TintAngel:** No Seishirou **this** chapter…(hint, hint)._


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: This story is the reason that I don't X.

I'm back (and a day late) with an all new chapter. Because it kept getting pretty long, I decided to cut off this chapter and write one more after this one. Unfortunately though, not everything I wanted to be in this one could make it because of that…I'm sure some of you will find me evil for that…

-Kyou-chan

**

* * *

I am MAN **

"Inuki!"

"Here, Inuki!"

Kamui and Subaru halted their search as a large cheering crowd passed in front of them carrying the limp figure of Seiichirou Aoki, followed by a man in a panda suit dancing behind.

There was not much to say after witnessing something like that. Before they could renew their search, a frantic-looking Karen ran up to them and took Kamui by the shoulders. "Have you seen Aoki-san? I can't find Aoki-san! I got his buffalo wings!"

Kamui flinched as he was shaken, and forced out the last sentence he expected to say in his lifetime. "Follow the dancing panda…"

"Right!" she paused. "What?"

"A dancing man in a panda suit…he's near a crowd of people with Aoki." Subaru gave Kamui a soft nudge. "Oh, and have you seen Inuki?"

"No clue," she answered back before hurrying off. "Follow the dancing panda…Aoki-san!"

Subaru sat at the nearest table and buried his head. "It's useless!"

"Don't say that." Kamui pulled a chair next to him, and handed the Sumeragi a tissue for the black streaks of mascara trailing down his face. "Inuki must be around here somewhere."

"We've circled the place three times! Do you think we would miss a large dog with a key ring in his mouth?"

"Maybe he's hiding in the bathrooms?" suggested Kamui. "Can you check the women's room?"

Subaru looked past the chipped ceiling and cringed at whatever cruel deity was tormenting him. "…why?"

Amidst the onmyouji's sobs, and Kamui's awkward attempts to comfort him, one of the bartenders walked up to them carrying a Margarita.

Kamui stared at the drink in confusion. "We didn't order…"

"For the lady," he replied, and placed the drink in front of Subaru. "Compliments of the man wearing the blue shirt."

They both turned around in unison at the bar counter where a young man winked in their direction. Subaru moaned.

"Send it back," Kamui ordered the bartender.

"Not happening, kid," he answered. "The drink's been paid for...and aren't you a little young to be in here?"

"H-He's with me," Subaru managed to say. The bartender shrugged, and giving Kamui a suspicious glare, he returned to the counter.

Subaru's eyes widened as they fell over the Margarita. "He sent me a drink…what does that mean?"

"Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe he just thinks you're pretty. Or at worse, he wants to dance with you."

"No! Not again!" cried Subaru.

Kamui sent another glance to the counter only to find the man was no longer in his seat. "Oh crap, he's coming over here!"

Subaru shot out of his seat. "I'm running away!"

"Where?"

"Somewhere, anywhere! Not here!" he exclaimed.

"You should try that drink!" exclaimed the man as he closed in on Subaru. "I picked it out especially for you."

Kamui blocked his path. "He—s-she doesn't need you to pick out her drinks."

Rolling his eyes, he shoved Kamui out of the way. "Get lost, kid." Turning his eyes back over Subaru, he drew close. "My name's Arata, beautiful. Why don't you ditch shorty here and get yourself a real man to dance with?"

Subaru shuddered back with disgust, but the man followed him with ease. His pulse hammered in him when he felt rough fingertips grasp at his chin. He could smell the liquor on his breath as his mouth inched closer.

Suddenly, the man broke away with a yelp. Kamui landed his strongest kick at his knee joint. "Don't call me shorty, you prick!"

"Kamui!" Subaru shouted in a mixture of relief and horror.

The man clasped his knee. "You little brat! You'll be sorry!"

"I'm only sorry having to touch a creep like you! Now sod off!" screamed Kamui.

"That's it! I'm beating some manners into you, little punk!"

"Bring it!"

"No! Don't hurt him!" cried Subaru. Everyone stared at him, and he swallowed hard. "W-why don't we go dance?" he shivered at his own words.

"Subaru, I can take him," hissed Kamui out of an earshot from the other man.

"If you start a fight they'll kick us out," Subaru whispered back evenly. "Then we won't be able to find the keys."

"Do you know what you're doing?" Kamui asked at a whisper.

Subaru looked back at him with panic in his eyes as the young man led him to the dance floor, but nonetheless continued forward. "Find Inuki. I'll look for you when we're done."

The others withdrew from Kamui, leaving the boy standing alone. He audibly cursed. Subaru had just whored himself out for his safety, and now he had to find an invisible dog in a crowded nightclub with a dancing man in a panda suit roaming around.

He sped to the first available bar stool.

* * *

Through the thick throngs of people in the nightclub there was a dark corner that went unnoticed. The shadows fell over two heavy chairs where ropes adamantly coiled the occupants to their seats. 

"I told you!" Sorata shouted. "Didn't I warn you that the pandas were no good? I knew! But noooo….no one believes me. When I told you about the evil closet gnomes that steal buttons, did anyone listen? When I found the secret passageway into the holy land, did anyone listen? How about the time I found the cure to polio?"

Arashi was vigorously struggling against the thick ropes that held her captive to the monk's ranting. "You didn't cure polio, you cured Kamui's hiccups. The secret passageway was a beehive, and it was Nokoru-san who was taking the buttons so that he could embroider the quilt he was sewing! Stop making things up!" she growled.

"Making things up," replied Sorata with a smirk. "Like evil pandas? Huh? Huh, nee-chan?"

Arashi was about to hurl herself at him without regard for the ropes, when a familiar voice called from a distance.

"Aoki-san? Where are you?"

Her eyes shot wide open. "Karen-san! Karen-san, over here!"

Karen turned her gaze at the corner where both Seals were tightly bound. "Dear God! What happened?"

Sorata gravely nodded his head. "Panda."

Karen hurried to Arashi's chair, where she immediately began burning the ropes that bound the shrine maiden's wrists. "Was it a dancing panda? Where'd it go? Was Aoki-san with them? Did he already get his own buffalo wings?"

Her questions fell unanswered as Sorata began another tirade. "And then there was time that I freed that poor Kiwi Bird from captivity."

"You hurled it out of the top story window!"

"Exactly, so it could fly to freedom!"

"Kiwi Birds _can't_ fly, you idiot!"

Sorata paused thoughtfully. "So that's why it wasn't moving…"

Karen's efforts to free the other two Seals were interrupted by a loud voice from the dance floor. "Hey! She's freeing the Panda-haters!" In moments, the three were surrounded by a crowd of panda mascot-enthusiasts.

She rose behind Arashi's chair and met the angry eyes of the mob with a whitened face. "Panda-haters?"

"Glory to Barty the Dancing Panda! Death to the Panda-haters!" screamed an untraceable voice from the crowd. The exclamation ignited a wave of agreeing shouts, and to Karen's astonishment, they pushed the body of the missing windmaster (which was now adorned with a cardboard fast food crown) to the front.

"Aoki-san!" she cried with relief.

"He'll destroy you panda-loathing heathens!" Aoki merely dropped to the floor when they unleashed him on Karen.

The crowd grew silent until someone from the back prompted, "Is he dead or something?"

"Oh no," Karen answered back with a smile. "He's just playing charades."

"Oh."

"He's a scarecrow!" exclaimed someone from the thick group of people.

"No, a dead, decomposing raccoon!" disagreed a second voice. The crowd exploded in an uproar over what Aoki was "acting" out.

"He's the first amendment!" screamed out a third voice.

"No, no," dismissed Sorata glumly. "We've already been there…"

As they continued their game of charades, Arashi managed to break her hands through the singed ropes. With this part of her body freed, she closed her eyes, and gathered the energy to summon a sword from her wrist. Unfortunately, what did emerge from her flesh was not a sharp blade, but something smaller and made of cheap plastic.

Sorata turned away from the game, and gawked at the item now in her hand. "Nee-chan, did you just make a _spork_ come from your body?"

"Shut up! I ran out of space for it in my purse!" Casting away the eating utensil, she tried a second time to beckon the sword.

"Whoa! Now there's a Hello-Kitty pen coming out!" marveled Sorata.

Arashi panicked against the remaining ropes that held her to the chair. "Where's my sword?"

The third time wasn't the charm for the poor shrine maiden. A colorful handkerchief emerged, and like that of an old magician's, it was tied to an endless chain of bright cloths.

"Go Nee-chan!" cheered Sorata after a pile of the handkerchiefs was mounting under the girl's wrists. If he were free of the ropes, he would have been clapping.

* * *

"Wow…I can't believe it…this is like the fifth time a girl I've met told me this," remarked the young man in disbelief. 

Subaru quivered in his arms. "I bet it is…"

"So when's the operation?"

"T-tomorrow," stuttered Subaru. Lying never was his strong point. "B-but the surgeons say that the chances of transplanting a new brain aren't very good."

"I'll let you go home to your family. Don't worry, the drink's on me." The man withdrew from him, and walked away on the verge of tears for the onmyouji's horrible predicament.

When he was out of sight, Subaru sighed with relief to be free. But his liberation was short-lived. Not more than a minute after the first man had left a second was at his side offering him a glass of Tequila.

"You smell pret-ty…" the newcomer slurred. Subaru sobbed.

Not far away, Kamui was sulking over his drink at the bar. Chocolate milk was a poor substitute for the hard liquor he desperately needed regardless of his age, but he had little choice in the matter. Turning to a woman sitting nearby, he decided to resume his search for the invisible dog-spirit.

"Excuse me, have you seen a key ring floating around in the air?"

The woman scoffed. "If this is one of those lines about the key to my heart or something like that, then buzz off. I'm not interested in short little kids."

Kamui flinched. "S-short?" He bit down on his bottom lip, but pressed on with his questioning. "W-well, have you felt something furry brushing up your leg lately?"

No sooner had he said those words did the woman deliver a sharp slap to his face. "Creep!"

He was still seeing stars when a heavy-set man materialized near the woman. "Hey punk! That's my girl you're getting fresh with!"

In seconds, Kamui was sprinting through the nightclub for his life.

* * *

"He's a noodle!" 

"No, a slug!"

"You're both wrong! He's _The Godfather III_!"

As an increasingly large crowd gathered over Aoki, Arashi was frantically trying to materialize her sword. After a half hour, there was a sizable mound of junk pooled by her chair.

Sorata had so far counted the spork, the Hello Kitty Pen, thirty feet of handkerchiefs, two power bars, an umbrella, three coloring books, a banana, a rubber duck, several pairs of shoes, a sippy-cup, some sausage links, and currently…a full-sized refrigerator.

While the cord of the giant appliance was expelled from Arashi's wrist, Sorata stared with amazement at the disturbing and unholy scene he had just witnessed.

"W-where…do you keep all of this stuff, nee-chan?" he managed to whisper in shock.

"My sword!" Arashi wailed, while blatantly ignoring the monk's frightened question. "Why can't I find my sword! My precious sword…"

Karen stood with her back to the pair, more concerned with getting the incapacitated editor to eat one of the buffalo wings that she went to the trouble of purchasing. The most progress she had made was to smear the hot sauce all over his blue lips.

"Maybe he's a circus monkey that ran away from his master to make it on his own in a Broadway show, and just before he was about to make it big, he was struck down by a rogue lightning bolt and is now in a coma!" put in someone from the center of the crowd.

Everyone fell quiet and gave the person a hard stare.

…

"A puppet!"

"No, a rug!" They all exploded into a new frenzy as the game resumed. As their shouts escalated to their loudest, a track of dance music blared from the DJ's table. The upbeat melody rang across the dance floor, and it was not long before its bouncing rhythms summoned a familiar nightclub mascot.

"Hey everybody, Barty's back!" A new wave of ecstatic cries gushed forth as the furry panda man moon-walked across the wooden floor. The thick mob parted while the strange creature skipped forward, and Karen could only stare dumbfounded at the scene as buffalo wing sauce dripped all over her fingers.

She glanced back to the other two Dragons of Heaven, disregarding the enormous array of useless trinkets surrounding Arashi. "D-dancing Panda?"

Sorata's eyes blazed. "He's back…

"I got it!" exclaimed Arashi. They turned to her, and found a sharp blade emerging from the seemingly endless void in her wrist. With a triumphant cry, she set to sawing off the remaining ropes around her body.

The Barty the Panda was just beginning another round of "the robot" when the CD ripped off its track, and his large panda-eyes fell on Arashi.

"She's gonna kill Barty-the-Panda!" exclaimed the mascot.

The crowd gasped and set their menacing glares over the Dragons of Heaven, but it was already too late. The strand of frayed rope snapped under her sword, and she sprang from her seat at the panda before he could dance away. The dull edge of her sword went hammering at the top of the mascot's head, and in one fatal stroke, it came flying off.

Barty howled with a heart-rending scream, which without the muffling panda suit head was infinitely more deafening. Now exposed before them all was a balding man in his late 40s in thick-rimmed glasses.

"MY HEEEEAAAAAD!"

* * *

After some undeterminable amount of time, Subaru was sitting hunched at the bar over countless Margaritas, Tequilas, Martinis, and other colorful drinks whose names that he did not want to remember. His left arm felt strangely numb as he gazed over all the glasses and their vibrant umbrellas. He briefly wondered if he might be getting a heart attack after finding himself in the hands of at least a dozen different men that night. 

Somehow a heart attack was more appealing to the Sumeragi than drinking himself to death with these dainty cocktails, but either way, Subaru found himself calmer than he had been the entire night. It took several drinks to get him there, and even then his thoughts were too lucid for his liking. But as he sat there, a dizzying euphoria worked itself through his body.

"Psst! Subaru!" whispered a voice. Subaru looked up from his half-finished Creamsicle, but found no one near him. Yet the voice persisted. "Subaru!" He stared curiously at the orange umbrella in his drink, wondering if it had sprung to life to speak with him.

"Subaru, down here!" hissed Kamui, whose voice was tainted with impatience.

The onmyouji blinked away from the umbrella, and glanced underneath the bar counter where two purple eyes burned up at him from the bottom of his chair. "Kamui…what're you doing under there?"

"Not starting a fight," Kamui muttered back darkly.

"Oh." Subaru paused thoughtfully. "And who told you not to start a fight?"

"You did."

"That's nice."

Kamui rose and looked him warily in the eye. "Subaru…are you getting buzzed on girl drinks?"

"Oh, these?" Subaru made a sweeping motion over the table of drinks before him. "Do you want one?"

"I'm sixteen," he blatantly remarked.

His face showed a flash of disappointed. "They're all free," Subaru tried to tempt him.

Kamui breathed out a heavy sigh, struggled to climb onto the barstool beside the other Seal, and slid a Death By Chocolate toward him. "I didn't find Inuki," he commented after taking a large sip of the drink.

"Ya know," slurred Subaru. "I've come to an, an _incredible _revelation: we are never going to find that dog."

_Well, obviously, _Kamui thought. Nevertheless, he felt an obligation to give his friend the smallest amount of encouragement. "I'm sure that he has to be here somewhere?"

Subaru did not react to his false assurance, much less the hopeless situation he was now trapped in. Kamui leaned forward from his seat to study his relaxed expression as Subaru drained the liquor glass. For the first time that night, he did not appear to notice the fact that he was cross-dressed.

Maybe Subaru getting plastered in this nightclub was a good thing.

That small hope was snuffed out for Kamui when his companion let out a mournful howl. "Oh, _GOD._ I'm a _TRANSVESTITE!_"

"Subaru, no—"

Several unintelligible moans left Subaru as he buried his face. "Mnwanaba… transvestite…"

The onmyouji's cries caught the attention of one of the customers. As Kamui was trying to calm him, a muscular man slinked toward them.

"Hey, Sumi-chan," the man's gruff voice coddled. "Is he bothering you?"

As he wept into his arms and against much of the counter, Subaru managed to shake his head, and the man grudgingly withdrew from Kamui.

"Listen, shorty— Sumi-chan's going in for heart surgery tomorrow, so you leave her alone!"

Inwardly cringing at the word 'shorty,' Kamui managed to stare at Subaru. "Heart surgery?"

Reddened eyes looked up at the boy. "And brain surgery, and a kidney transplant. I've already had six offers for a new kidney." He stopped to mull over another one of the excuses he had given as his eyes were drying. "Oh. And I also have an alien that lays eggs in my skin."

Kamui downed the rest of his drink with those words. Subaru really couldn't lie.

"Something's bothering you," Subaru perceived after a few awkward moments of silence.

He was already finished with his third cocktail by that time. "Everybody's…everybody's calling me shorty…I'm not short!" he whimpered.

"Don't worry Kamui," Subaru started with a dreamy smile. "When I was your age, I was—"

"No!" he cut off the Sumeragi. "NO, don't you start with 'when I was your age' again!" He growled, recalling that this was precisely how the night started.

Subaru looked down at the counter without saying anything more.

It was now becoming a habit for Kamui to avoid gazing at Subaru completely. He could not bring himself to look at what his fate would be in the next nine years. Already it was starting, and as much as he tried to fight it, Kamui's masculinity was steadily declining. It was only a matter of time before he was getting drunk on girl drinks while wearing a vintage black dress…perhaps with a small purse that would match his shoes with a little black bow on it with sparkles and—

"NO!" screamed Kamui against his thoughts. Subaru started, and looked up from his Tequila. "NO! I won't let it happen!"

"Let what happen?" Subaru inquired at a whisper.

He leapt off the stool and clasped his shoulders. "Don't you see?" he exclaimed frantically. "We can fight this! We don't have to be effeminate! We're going to be men!"

Something flared over Subaru's expression that broke him out of his drunken stupor. "You're right. We're not going out as women!"

"Right!"

Subaru pushed the Tequila away. "We'll fight the forces that are driving us to be like this!"

"Right!"

"Because we're men! And we're proud!" Subaru declared.

"RIGHT!" Kamui was beside himself in an empowered frenzy. "And what do men do?"

"We get drunk off our asses and yell at sports games!"

"Exactly!"

"Bartender!" called Subaru, who was half-perched over the table. "Two Strawberry Daiquiris!"

Kamui fell where he stood.

"What's wrong?" queried Subaru.

"Subaru…that's a girl drink."

He looked genuinely shocked. "W-what? But, but Seishirou-san always gets me one of these..." Subaru trailed away for only two seconds before sinking back to his seat in dejection. "Damn!"

The bartender set two bright pink beverages with cherries on top before them, and the color began to drain from his face.

"Maybe I can 'man' these up…" Subaru suggested to Kamui. "Bartender! Take those back and add _three_ cherries to each drink!"

Kamui slapped his forehead, and his fellow Seal blanked. "What? Do you think I should have asked for whipped cream, too?"

Subaru was a lost cause. "It's alright, Subaru…you tried…" comforted Kamui.

"It _is_ the whipped cream, isn't it!" cried Subaru. "Let me try again! I can order the drinks right this time!"

"Listen, Subaru," Kamui began firmly. "You're a great guy…you have to hold onto that. Maybe you just _are_ effeminate. Maybe that's what you're supposed to be. But that doesn't make you a transvestite or a woman. It's just…you."

Subaru pouted. "So…no whipped cream?"

"No whipped cream." Suddenly, Kamui felt the drinks he had downed coming back up to his throat. He suppressed the urge to vomit, and continued, "You're a lot more than effeminate, Subaru. You're kind and powerful and a courageous friend. And," he began while turning slightly green, "for the record, I think you're handsome. And now I have to go throw up…!"

The boy ran out of sight, and Subaru stared after speechlessly. "Ka-Kamui…?" With a pink blush, he turned back to the two Daiquiris and the remainder of the drinks that were laid out in front of him. Maybe it _was _how he was supposed to be.

He continued drinking for a time, until he no longer felt the urge to completely poison his blood with alcohol as he mused over Kamui's last words with a faint smile. He was just about to pull away from the drink counter and resume their search for his apartment keys when the bartender pushed another drink in front of him.

"You know," reflected the man. "We've never had a girl who was so popular with the men in this club. It's amazing." When Subaru made no reply, the bartender simply shrugged. "Well, this one's from the man sitting at the far corner of the bar. He told me that this was your favorite."

Subaru thanked the bartender emptily, and fully intended to walk away from the drink and his newest admirer. However, the drink emerged at the edge of his line of sight, and he stilled.

Glistening on that table was a Strawberry Daiquiri—it had three cherries and was topped with whipped cream.

His heart must have stopped beating as he gaped at the drink. It was perfectly chosen for him; it was a calculated perfection, which characteristically transformed all simple gestures into something so personal, yet detached at the same moment. It was familiar, and Subaru felt a knot winding inside of him.

In horror, he raised his eyes to the man at the far corner, whose mismatched gaze sent a bolt of lightning down his spine.

Seishirou grinned wickedly. "Good evening, Subaru-kun."

* * *

I KNOW. I'm evil…I'm WORSE than evil. I'm evil times infinity plus two…. 

But it's like this…I was planning more Seishirou in this chapter…but it's already pretty long. And so by a certain **tragic ending**'s plea, I will let this go on for at least another chapter…if you kill me you won't get anything…

Aggh…my thoughts were so muddled in writing this (one helluva week, let's leave it to that). Currently I'm so exhausted I can't spell the word "dark" on my own, and I have a really warm, snuggly cat next to me making me even more tired. With that said, I'm going to bed.

_And once again, to those who are by some fluke still reviewing:_

_**Meirav:** It's chocolate with nuts! I'm mercilessly on crack._

_**0ri:** Kamui can't help it! It's who he is. And as for Sorata…that's just a bridge that he can't cross…_

_**Tanuki-dono:** Woo! Brain-breaking! That's a new level of insanity for me._

_**LadyoftheBlackWings:** Indeed you must be. And strangely enough, I have a horrible reaction to caffeine…so the crack's all me. It's in my blood!_

_**tragic ending:** Taco Hut—it's taco hut. And why? Haven't you ever tried to collect all the Burger King Kids meals toys? It's something to live for…_

_**DerangedandLovinIt:** Now that's just sick, traumatizing, and so strangely diabolical that I wonder why I haven't done that yet…_

_**KleinerRabe:** thank you! (blushes) I'll keep writing as much as I can!_

_**SeriousSiriusFan:** OMG! YOU'RE BACK! I LUVS YOUR REVIEWS. And, yes, fear the panda doomy doom…_

_**Singe:** Mmhm. And I say that X must be amusing time to time. Otherwise, it depresses the hell outta you…_

_**oONekomataOo:** Already ahead of you. In the next six months I shall be marketing my blood to the masses… huahaha…the world you say? _

_**CalasstriaStar:** Probably no Fuuma (pouts)…but if you try to resist the crack…oh my, you're head may explode because of that._

_**moongirlSelene99:** No actually. I haven't heard of "Sukisho"…what is it?_

_**TintAngel:** Much chaos. Oh what chaos there be…_

_**monkeyumbrella:** Ah, three AM readings of nonsensical randomness. Your life must be good. _

_**Jamie: **Thank you for going to the trouble of emailing me! I know how it is with computers acting up...mine's doing it right now. Damn you, college wireless network..._

_**Miss Midori:** Thanks so much! I love your reviews too! And I'm sure in some way or another that this is illegal._


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **This story is the reason I don't own X.

Phew. This would have been finished a lot sooner had my internet been working properly…and if this chapter wasn't five pages longer than all the others (sweatdrop). For some insane reason, this story has gotten a lot of reviews. And I mean A LOT more than I expected or deserved. All I have to say to that is…damn.

To all the wonderful, deranged people who reviewed:

_**Tanuki-dono:** If you're immature, then I'm in nursery school... __**TintAngel: **Oh evilEVIL. But fun. And plenty of Subaru torture... __**DerangedandLovinIt:** Oh my…well that is pretty crazy. But your friend nowintrigues me...__**0ri: **tell me about it…and I don't really know why. I know I was horrible to stop there, but it needed to be done. And what would Hokuto say? One word. Ohohohoho... __**CalasstriaStar:** (blushes) …I don't think anyone's ever called me that…but of course Sei-chan would recognize his prey! He's Sei-chan!... __**Meirav: **As far as I'm concerned, it just isn't a crack fic without someone saying 'sod off' to someone else… __**LadyoftheBlackWings:** Agh! Blast you and your dancing head-bananas! They followed me in my sleep! My sleep I tell you! And you saw Seishirou coming because I am an SxS whore... __**FireyChronicles:** (laughs) More femininity…? Here comes... __**sakura: **Mmm. Believe me, it was quite tempting to do so…but once I had the story going, I couldn't stop. It be a roller coaster of inane X doom. Although I love Sei, Suby and Kamui!... __**moongirlSelene99: **That sounds really interesting! I'll check it out when I have the time! Sorta reminds me of Il Gatto Sul (sp?) where there's a boy with a split personality... __**eriol33: **Wee, you make my heart go squee. Ages, hm?... __**Miss Midori:** I honestly don't expect any solid reviews about my insanity. But yours make me feel warm and fuzzy too!... __**Hatori Soma: **He thinks he's pretty-beautiful, naturally!... __**Aisu the Spiffy:** Huahaha…and so my evil plan begins. First the craving for whipped cream and cherries then, um… __**Jamie: **A lot of torture. They shall endure a lot of torture. Buckets of it, even... __**Blazing Kitsune of the Tempest: **(looks around craftily) Well, maybe you won't be disappointed after all… __**SeriousSiriusFan: **XD XD! OF COURSE THEY WON'T BE SLEEPING! HUAHAHA!... __**KleinerRabe: **Crazy…very crazy. It's like the crazy's taken my brain hostage and is demanding a pound of Jello or else it will stab it with a q-tip. A q-tip…_

Well, this is last chapter, sadly. And I thank all you people who sacrificed a few hundred brain cells to read and review this crack. Your brain cells will be used to power the great machine I built to enslave the earth. Hurrah!

**

* * *

I am MAN **

If Subaru had been trembling any more, he would have fallen out of his seat. He could feel Seishirou's eyes melting his pale flesh as the Sarkurazukamori circled him like a vulture. The silence that enveloped them both was endless as it haunted Subaru into insanity. He almost wished for the older man to say something and get the torture that was in store for him over with.

It was a wish that he would come to deeply regret.

"Subaru-kun," Seishirou began warmly, his voice compromised by amusement. "As usual, your sense of fashion has me captivated."

His chest felt tight and blood crept up to his face. Hoping all this was a drunken illusion, he squeezed his eyes shut, but shuddered when two hands settled over his shoulders. He briefly wondered where that muscular man who had confronted Kamui went—not that he, or anyone, would be able to help him.

"I believe," continued Seishirou, "that the last time you did this, you were in a tacky dress for that Halloween photo."

"It was the early nineties!" an involuntary reflex prompted him to shout. He immediately found himself shrinking in his seat as Seishirou closed in.

"Well, I'm glad to see that my Subaru-kun's tastes have since improved." He breathed against his ear. "I'm sure that Hokuto-chan would have been proud."

Subaru shivered, and pushed the assassin back.

Seishirou chuckled. "Or perhaps not. Either way, everything about you is quite lovely tonight—hair, lips, eyes…breasts."

He let out a horrified gasp when Seishirou slid a hand over his sloping chest. False cleavage or not, he felt violated. He slapped at the offending hand, and hurried out of his seat.

Subaru did not know where he was running to, but he never had the chance to get there. His ankle twisted out from under him because of the precarious heel he wore, and the Sumeragi fell right back into Seishirou's arms.

"Careful," he warned without any change in his voice as he caught the onmyouji. "You might kill yourself that way."

"Is that a suggestion?" muttered Subaru icily.

Seishirou simpered back, and gently placed his prey back in his chair. "Are you going to try your drink?" he queried while motioning toward the glistening cup holding the Strawberry Daiquiri.

If the beverage was not so thick, Subaru would have thrown it in his opposite's smirking face. "No. I won't."

"No?"

He stubbornly looked away from it. "It's a girl drink. I don't want it."

Seishirou genuinely laughed at that. "That's never stopped you before. And with your present attire, I was sure that you would enjoy your favorite cocktail!"

Subaru frowned, but could not hide from the red washing over his expression as Seishirou's chest shook with light laughter. He started from his chair a second time; a broken leg under those heels was a small price to pay for an escape.

But Seishirou's hands firmly settled over his shoulders, keeping him captive where he was. "You're adorable, Subaru-kun."

Subaru struggled in response. Maybe he could claw his remaining eye out with his manicured nails.

Seishirou went on, oblivious to the Sumeragi's murderous thoughts. "I suppose that since you have refused my drink, it would be too much to ask you to dance?"

Flames danced along the borders of mascara-ed lashes. "Yes," hissed Subaru, "_it would_."

The Sakurazukamori pretended to be wounded. "But, Subaru-kun, you danced with all those other men…"

Subaru stilled wordlessly, and felt his blood freeze. "Th-they…they thought I was a woman…!" He winced, knowing that nothing he could say would have saved him.

Seishirou pounced at his response. "Is that all I have to do? Pretend that you're a woman?"

"No!" bit back Subaru with hurt pride.

Seishirou licked his lips, and went in for the kill. "Oh?" His voice raised, and threatened to carry to the other customers. "Then shall I treat you as a man, Subaru-kun? Should I declare your manhood to the heavens?"

Subaru turned burgundy as several eyes focused in their direction. "_No!_" he choked out. It was already horrible enough to be mistaken as a woman, but to be revealed as a man in drag was even more terrifying for the onmyouji.

The assassin beamed with victory. "Then it appears that you don't have a reason."

His face still on fire, Subaru opened his mouth to say something, but it felt like there was a stone in his throat. Rendered speechless, he glared back at his hated lover with his jaw hung open.

Seishirou grinned and slipped one of the Daiquiri cherries between his lips.

* * *

Kamui emerged from the restroom with his face siphoned of all color save for a sickly green shade that only an endless amount of time vomiting could produce. His body was for the most part purged of the sugary cocktails, and a fraction of his strength came ebbing back to him. 

He resolutely set out to continue his empty search for Inuki. He did not expect to see anything of the dog, but as there was little else to do in this horrible nightclub and a sense of duty held him not to abandon Subaru, he looked, nonetheless.

And so he was completely surprised when the spirit's owner came bobbing up to him while holding two vibrant shopping bags at her side.

"Kamui-san! I was looking all over for you!" she chirped. She narrowed in, and her eyes widened. "Did you know that they have a giant dancing panda in this club?"

"Yuzuriha-chan!" he exclaimed, for once relieved to see the young girl. "Have you seen Inuki?"

She blinked in confusion. "He's not with you?" She stepped away from him and screamed into the nightclub. "INUKI? WHERE ARE YOU, INUKI! I'VE GOT BACON SNACK'UMS!"

Kamui clasped his hands over his ears. If he were an invisible dog hiding in this nightclub, he would stay invisible.

As if she had kept her voice level the entire time, Yuzuriha peered back into Kamui's cringing face. "Why are you looking for Inuki, Kamui-san?"

Kamui fidgeted where he stood. "He, uh, owes me money?"

Yuzuriha shook her head incredulously. Kamui bit his bottom lip trying to think of a better excuse when she folded her arms with a disgusted sigh. "If I told him once, I told him a thousand times! Stop playing poker with humans! Just because I showed him that painting with the dogs playing poker, he now thinks he can win a tournament. But I keep telling him, 'Inuki, poker is a people game!' but does he listen! No! So he goes to the clubs and bets his life savings—his mother left him that money, and there he goes wasting it away and—"

"S-so what's in those bags?" Kamui ventured to interrupt her unintelligible rant.

"Oh yeah! I got you a new Friendship Sweater, Kamui-san! And Sumi-san, too, when we find her!" She held up one of the shopping bags, and it crinkled as Kamui reluctantly accepted it.

"It's…not pink, is it?" he asked suspiciously.

Kamui cringed a second time as the girl let out a string of giggles. "Nope! It's not pink!"

Taking a deep breath, he stole a glance into the dark bag, where a purple "Friendship Sweater" stared back up at him. He sighed with relief, but quickly remembered his renewed mission. He tore his gaze away from the shopping bag only to be affronted by two large eyes that were only an inch away from his.

"Sumi-san's is pastel green, see?" she exclaimed while holding up the second sweater.

Kamui blinked at the garment. "Actually, it's more of a Paris-green, if you ask me."

Yuzuriha frowned back. "Really? Because I thought it was a pastel green."

"No, no, that simply won't work…at best it's jade-green with a dash of yellow." Kamui froze. "OH GOD! I just _LISPED_! No! I can't lisp! The savior of the world _doesn't_ lisp!"

The other Dragon of Heaven drummed her fingers over the edge of her shopping bag. "Jade green? Not sea-green? Or just light-green?"

"No! Stop it! Just stop it! I need to find that dog!" howled Kamui, who was about to pound his head over the nearest surface.

"Alright!" chirped Yuzuriha. "But first put on the Friendship Sweater I got you!"

Kamui hesitated. "But I need to find Inuki n—"

"_DO IT!_"

He flinched back, and hastily pulled the violet sweater over his head, not daring to take his eyes off the unbalanced girl. "Th-there…I put it on…can we look now?" he asked cautiously.

"Okay!" she replied with an enormous grin, and seizing his hand with hers, Yuzuriha merrily skipped through the nightclub. Kamui sulked after, saying nothing more.

He had no idea that on the back of his Friendship Sweater, there was a large, pink heart.

* * *

Arashi stared blankly at the glimmering dance floor where a headless panda was squirming in unbridled agony. Her sword fell to her side as that pitiful, black and white blur rolled at her feet. The blow the blade had delivered had not even scratched the nightclub mascot. Only the large costume head had been cleaved off, leaving a squat, hairless, human head exposed at the top of the furry body. 

"DEAR GOD, THE PAIN!" the man screamed as he writhed on the hard floor.

Sorata was leaping up and down in his chair. "Alright, Nee-chan! Now quickly, plunge a stake into his heart and stick garlic in the head's mouth!"

"Sorata-san, that's vampires," amended Karen.

The surrounding people were in a sickened stupor. "Holy crap, she beheaded Barty!" Half of them were now openly weeping as the mascot stumbled over the dance floor.

"S-she…she took down Barty in cold blood!" screamed one of the crowd.

"What are you talking about!" Arashi growled back. "All I did was knock off the stupid panda head!"

"Aha! So she admits to killing Barty!" bit back another.

Arashi shrunk before the angry crowd. "But he's right there!" she exclaimed while pointing at the disembodied dancing panda.

"IT HURTS! It hur-ur-ur-urts!"

"See?" Arashi frantically shouted. "He's not dead! And he's not even hurt."

The mob was not moved. "Why doesn't someone cut off your head, and see how it hurts you!"

"…feeling in legs going…NUMB!" whimpered Barty in spite of his wild flailing.

Karen stepped forward to defend her fellow Seal. "Arashi-chan didn't do anything!"

"Didn't do anything? DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! She's a PANDA-MURDERER!" exclaimed the foremost person of the group.

"Yeah! And they're an endangered species!" More agreement from the crowd.

"But he's not even a real panda!" cried Karen. "He's a guy in a suit."

Everyone gasped in horror at her words. "H-how…how can you say that!" shrieked a woman among them.

After a few awkward moments, Karen stepped closer to the thrashing man. "Here, I'll show you. The zipper's right here…"

But as she knelt down to the floundering panda-man, and closed two fingers over the zipper, he let out an ear-piercing shriek.

"MY SPINE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MY SPINE!"

"She's defiling Barty's body!"

"Have you no shame?"

Karen started up from the wailing creature. "But—but…it's just a zipper!"

Arashi had just about all she could take. "He's a GUY in a PANDA SUIT! He's not a panda! Just look at him!"

"…my…spine…" moaned Barty.

"He's probably one of those guys that sit in the park all day with the brown paper bags staring at children! He probably still lives with his mother! But of all things, he's NOT a REAL PANDA!"

Unfortunately, any hope that Arashi had of reaching the crowd was lost when Karen moved the zipper one inch down the back of the panda suit, causing the man inside to give his loudest scream yet.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY BACK!"

A new wave of angry shouts and threats engulfed the area, and the four Dragons of Heaven (even Aoki, who was being dragged along by Karen) drew together as they were backed into the corner.

Things were looking at their worse with the cries of 'murderers' being thrown at them, when, as is characteristic of any giant, angry and drunken mob, several torches and pitchforks materialized.

Karen and Arashi broke into a cold sweat, while Sorata kept bouncing in his chair. "You see? I was right again! The panda's so evil that even from the grave it has all the pitchforks hypnotizes to carry out his unholy revenge and then take our pants and eat them alive with bamboo and taco—"

"SHUT UP!" The two women screamed in unison as they readied their abilities to strike.

Barty squirmed at the border of the chaos that was about to ensue. "Must…stay…away…from…the light!"

* * *

On the other side of the crowded dance floor, soft, mellifluous music poured over the nightclub. Subaru was deaf to every note of it. The numerous cocktails he had consumed were coming back on him with a vengeance. He would have been surprised if he could take one step forward on his own, but at the same moment, his mind was remarkably lucid. 

That explained how horrified he currently was in Seishirou's tight arms.

"I said let me go!" he demanded as the Sakurazukamori heedlessly swayed him with the music.

"If I do, I'm afraid that you will fall, Subaru-kun," he replied vacantly.

In response, Subaru furiously pounded at his chest with an incoherent growl.

He laughed back wickedly. "You're cute when you're like this."

Subaru huffed, and did not want to think about what in particular was cute—that he was drunk or in a dress. He therefore ignored the other man and redoubled his efforts to escape from his arms. But as it became apparent that there was no escape, he sunk his head against Seishirou's shoulder and cursed.

_Why did he have to recognize me?_ he incessantly thought. Seishirou's smile broadened, and there was a strange glint in his eye. Subaru swore a second time, realizing that he must have said his last thought aloud, and he was too disoriented to notice the difference.

"Why did you have to recognize me!" Subaru snapped again while clawing into his shoulder.

Seishirou lifted his chin. "How could I not recognize my Subaru-kun's pretty face?"

Subaru glared back. "Don't call me pretty."

He snickered. "Beautiful, then."

"No," Subaru protested, recalling his argument with Kamui earlier that day. "If you must, call me handsome."

Seishirou looked confused. "But you're not handsome—you're _beautiful_. Extremely beautiful."

When Seishirou tried to caress his jaw line, Subaru slapped away his hand. "_I'm not beautiful!_ This, this is all your fault! You're the one who made me do this!" He continued with his drunken tirade before Seishirou could make a witty retort. "I'm _not _a woman! And for once in your life, stop treating me like one!"

"You hurt me, Subaru-kun," Seishirou answered with a laugh. He squeezed the onmyouji even tighter and whispered into his ear. "You know as well as I do that with all the intimate time we've spent together that I've no doubt of your manhood."

Subaru simmered at the innuendo laced within those words, and growled once more as one of Seishirou's hands trailed down the small of his back. But his voice was muffled when another mouth pressed against his own.

Subaru's incensed eyes flew wide open, but when Seishirou had finished the kiss, he was more astonished to see that no one so much as glanced in their direction. It was then that he remembered that he was cross-dressed, and no one cared if a man was kissing his 'girlfriend.' He felt disgusted; Seishirou was exploiting him.

But Subaru was even more disgusted with himself when the Sakurazukamori soon was not the only one taking advantage of the situation.

Between Seishirou's lips he breathed out a whisper. "Damn you."

* * *

"Come on, baby! Just one kiss—don't make me beg for it!" cried a drunken man, who had a sickened Kamui in a death grip. 

"Get—off—me—you—bastard!" snarled Kamui. He looked around for Yuzuriha to help, but the girl's full attention rested on the contents of her shopping bag.

"Paris green…but…but there's not that much yellow…why can't it be just pastel green? Or the color of green on that guy's face?" Rushing past her was one of the customers doing everything in his power not to hurl as he gurgled out 'headless panda!' She held her breath and folded her arms. "Hmph! I don't get it."

"I'm being MOLESTED over here!" screamed Kamui as the drunk pinned him against a table. But unfortunately for Kamui, he was _always_ being molested by someone or something, so the young girl had learned not to notice.

"How do you think an olive green would look on her, Kamui-san?" queried Yuzuriha absent-mindedly.

"Go—f--k—a—tree—YOU PERVERT!" he shrieked and landed his knee against the man's groin.

Yuzuriha was mortified. "Kamui-san! How could you? I know olive-green's not everyone's favorite color…but it has feelings, too!"

The man was rolling on the ground in a fetal position. "Y-you bitch…"

"I'm A BOY!" he howled.

When the drunk had rolled out of sight, Kamui slumped against the table with a whimper. Yuzuriha sat at his side and gave him an admonishing stare. "I think you should apologize to the color olive-green."

"Th-that was the fifth guy who violated me in ten minutes!" sobbed Kamui. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Yuzuriha's hand immediately shot up. "Oooh! Pick me! I know what the hell's wrong with you, Kamui-san!" Kamui narrowed his eyes on her, and she clapped her hands and cheerfully answered. "Your Friendship Sweater's on backwards!"

Kamui paled, and after turning the sweater around, he felt sick. There it was, shining in all its feminine glory—a bright pink heart on his purple Friendship sweater.

"There you go! Now it's all better!" she exclaimed.

Kamui seized her by the shoulders. "_You told me that the sweater wasn't pink!_"

"It isn't pink, Kamui-san. It's bright peach."

He was trembling. "Are you colorblind? It's PINK!"

Her bottom lip quivered. "C-colorblind? You think I'm colorblind, Kamui-san?"

But Kamui was too occupied with pulling off the effeminate sweater to answer. It was stuck over the top of his head, and as much as he tried to tug it off, it wanted to stay on his body. His upper torso transformed into a wriggling mass of purple and pink while the empty sweater arms wagged back and forth.

As he fought his Friendship Sweater prison, he had twisted away from the table, and was now wildly punching and clawing at the wool fabric. "Why can't I get it off?"

"It's a _Friendship _Sweater, Kamui-san," remarked Yuzuriha, who was still wounded from the 'colorblind' comment. "You can't escape from friendship."

'Friendship' was beginning to suffocate Kamui. He fought harder as he felt his air supply running low. He was just about free of its treacherous hold when something large and furry collided under his legs, and he crashed to the floor with a loud _thump_.

Yuzuriha let out a terrified shriek, and reluctantly, Kamui pushed the sweater back over his head to take a glimpse of what had tripped him. Lying at his feet was the head of a shabby panda costume.

"S-someone killed a panda! It's a panda head!" she screamed Yuzuriha. "Oh God! What if Inuki is next? INUKI!"

Kamui pulled himself up from the floor into a sitting position, and amid the hysterical girl's screaming, he picked up the panda head and looked into its hollow, black eyes. "This is only a costume."

"This is serious, Kamui-san! There's a panda-murderer about, decapitating poor innocent, dancing pandas! What are we going to do?" Suddenly a charred and sword-slashed body fell at Yuzuriha's feet, smoke still roiling from it carrying the noxious aroma of burned flesh.

She looked down at it nonchalantly. "Oh. Look. A body."

Kamui scrambled to his feet upon realizing that they had just wandered into a war zone. A giant mob equipped with pitchforks and other barn utensils was amassed around a corner where he could hear several familiar voices.

"We're outnumbered!" shouted Karen.

"Just keep driving them back!" Arashi cried as she delivered another blow with her sword.

Sorata rammed the feet of his chair into the nearest attacker. "Taste the fury of my chair, Panda Minion!"

"MY HEAD!" screamed Barty, the headless dancing panda.

Kamui was not sure of just what to do after walking into an epic battle to the death of good versus panda, but his uncertainty did not stop Yuzuriha from walking into the fray of the chaos.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Karen screamed as flames were expelled from her hands. However, when Yuzuriha moped up to her side, she took her focus out of the battle. "Aw, what's wrong, honey?"

"Kamui-san said I'm colorblind," she pouted. She ripped the second Friendship Sweater out of her bag. "Look at this! Isn't this pastel green? Tell me it's pastel green!"

"I don't know, Yuzu-chan…GET BACK!" she threw another ball of fire at a lunging woman who was armed with a peanut jar. "…it looks more like a chartreuse color to me."

"N-no!" wailed Yuzuriha. "It's PASTEL green! I'm not colorblind! Everyone look at this! It's _not_ chartreuse!" The surrounding crowd members began to back away.

Kamui took this momentary ceasefire to walk into the battle and clear his throat. "D-did anyone lose a large panda head?" He held up the fuzzy costume top.

Under those magical words, the battle cries of that corner sped into awed silence, and the panda-war ceased. "That young heroine has found Barty's head!" exclaimed one person.

"She's come to save Barty!"

"I'm a _boy_," snarled Kamui.

"Quickly! Put the head back on Barty!" demanded a third voice.

Kamui blinked. "You mean him?" He gestured at the balding, bespectacled man worming on the floor in the panda suit.

"P-pain…unbearable…death imminent…goodbye, cruel panda-hating world."

Kamui hesitated to bend over the neurotic mascot, but somehow managed to place the head back over the costume.

And then something miraculous happened. A ray of light rained down over poor Barty's body and his leg twitched. Slowly, the beginnings of a Techno Dance Mix began to play, and the mascot leapt to his feet and danced to the wild cheers of the crowd.

"I am resurrected!"

Kamui pulled away from this increasingly bizarre scene when the man in the panda suit leapt at him. "You have saved Barty-the-Panda's life with your love!"

Violet eyes enlarged. "L-love? I just put back on your head!"

"Yes!" gushed Barty. "This woman's love has saved me from a cruel fate! What's your name, young lady?"

Kamui's expression of surprise turned into a glare. "My name is Kamui. I'm _not_ a girl."

The dancing panda raised his paws to the heavens. "Kamui-chan! Our female hero—"

"Male!" interjected Kamui.

"—has restored Barty's head! From this day on we'll praise this brave young woman—"

"MAN!" he screamed in the middle of the panda's speech.

"—for her beauty and courage. She'll be known to all panda-kind as Kamui-chan, the beautiful!"

"That's it! Let's go!" shouted Kamui, who was about to give the mascot a punch in the nose. However, a small object that must have fallen out of the panda head caught his eye before he could beat the crap out of Barty.

He picked it up and examined the piece of plastic more closely. "Is this…a Barbie toy from the Taco Hut?"

"Oh yes," replied Barty. "I collect them."

Kamui gaped. "Y-you _collect_ them?" But he suddenly brightened with an idea. "Nevermind. Can I have this?"

"For saving Barty's life, you can have anything." The panda leaned in closer. "_Anything_."

Kamui chose not to acknowledge the fact that a bald, forty-something guy in a panda suit was trying to seduce him, and stepped away from Barty. Then, holding the plastic figure of the fast food promotional toy, he spoke as clearly and loudly as he could.

"Wow. This sure is a neat…um," Kamui paused, gawking at the doll in his hands, but somehow forced the words out. "…Barbie toy from the Taco Hut. It sure would be fun to play with it right now…or use it to complete a collection or something."

"Oooh! OOOH!" screamed Sorata. "Can I play with her first!" All eyes from the crowd fell on him. He looked down with a pout. "I just wanted to braid her hair…"

Despite that rather disturbing outburst from the monk, Kamui's plan was a success. An excited bark drew his attention away from Sorata. Inuki panted up at him, and in an unspoken truce, Subaru's keys clanked on the floor from his mouth. Cautiously, Kamui enclosed his fingers around the key ring while inwardly flinching at how they were sticky with invisible dog saliva.

At the dog spirit's imploring whines, Kamui happily tossed away the Barbie toy. Inuki caught the plastic figure between his teeth with another impassioned bark.

_Inuki: Hiker Go-Go Girl Barbie! At last you are mine!_

In minutes, things were about as normal as they could be with a nameless nightclub that worshipped a dancing panda—sans the bloody and charred bodies on the floor, of course.

Kamui was nearly in tears as he hurried toward the bar counter with the keys held high above his head. "Finally! Finally it ends!"

The other Dragons of Heaven followed not far behind.

"We are NEVER coming here again," grumbled Arashi.

A loud thumping noise trailed in her footsteps as Sorata, still bound to the chair, hopped after her. "But Nee-chan! If we leave that panda now, it'll radiate evil all across the city until we're drowned in horrible panda-wrath! And then they'll enslave us all and make us change to a different area code! And that's just the start of it! Then they'll—"

"Look Inuki! My eyes match the skirt I'm wearing! That means I'm not colorblind, right?" exclaimed Yuzuriha, who was ignorant of the fact that a colorblind dog was probably not the best fashion consultant.

_Inuki: Ah…the collection is complete. At last I can act out every episode of _Sex and the City.

"Those people actually thought he was a real panda! He was a guy in a suit! How they could miss something so obvious is just beyond me, Aoki-san," remarked Karen as she dragged a blue-looking Aoki across the floor.

Kamui hurried forward when he saw the bar counter. "Subaru! I did it! I got your keys!" But a sickening realization settled on him when he noticed that the seat he expected to find the onmyouji in was empty. "…Subaru?"

* * *

People were beginning to stare as the strange couple was nearing three minutes of voraciously making out without breaking away for air. 

"Mmnn…" Subaru moaned into Seishirou's mouth. He had almost forgotten everything that had happened in the last few hours with Seishirou holding him. However, when his heavy eyelids parted, it all came flooding back to him.

Scarlet lipstick smudges were painted all over the other man's face and shirt collar. Subaru broke away with a scowl.

A single amber eye opened with a hint of disappointment. "And I was beginning to get used to the Strawberry-Kiwi flavored Crimson no. 38 Glitter lipstick…"

"It's Stawberry-Kiwi flavored Crimson no. 37 lipstick, and I _don't _want you to get used to it," Subaru indignantly growled. "I hate the lipstick! I hate the dress! I hate it all!"

His complaints fell at Seishirou's soft laughter. "But it's a pretty dress—I mean 'handsome'—a handsome dress." Subaru looked like he could strangle the Sakurazukamori. "Not that it matters either way, in my opinion."

Subaru crossed his arms, demanding an explanation. Taking the Sumeragi back into his arms, he obliged. "I don't care if you wear a dress. I don't care if you put on flavored lipstick—although I _did _just get this shirt back from the dry cleaners." He paused to lament over the lipstick stains on his once flawlessly white shirt.

"Then what do you care about?" asked Subaru impatiently.

Seishirou captured his mouth in a gentle kiss. "Naturally, about what's underneath."

A disenchanted sigh left Subaru as he glowered back. He did not exactly know what he was expecting Seishirou to say, but he was nevertheless disappointed by his words.

Seishirou traced a slender finger along a red lip. "Shall I prove it to you?"

Subaru said nothing, which was invitation enough for him to take his hand and lead him toward the exit of the confused nightclub.

Subaru was positive that all the Daiquiris and Margaritas he drank were affecting his judgment. Under any other circumstance, he would never have let Seishirou have him so easily. But as he walked onto the crowded sidewalk under the glare of a nearby streetlight, he realized that he was finally going to get out of that dress, and he did not care how.

Once the club was meters behind them, he stumbled away from the direction the older man was leading him. "There's a Four Seasons a block away," he whispered more desperately than he had meant to.

Seishirou lecherously grinned, and draped his black overcoat over Subaru's dress. "As long as we can stop by Taco Hut on the way."

* * *

If you think this is the end…well, hahahaha! You're wrong! Wrongwrongwrong! For I have written (dramatic pause)…an epilogue! 


	6. Epilogue

**Disclaimer:** This story is the reason I don't own X...

This is my little treat to all my wonderful reviewers. (and why the last chapter was late again). Enjoy!

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* * *

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**I am MAN: _Epilogue_**

Kamui sat with his head pressed over the table while the infernal nightclub music and chatter vibrated through the building. He had Subaru's keys pressed against his palm so tightly that they were beginning to cut into his flesh. Subaru was gone, and Kamui was too exhausted and disheartened to wonder where he was.

Karen came rushing to the table. "I checked the ladies' room…Sumi-chan isn't there, Kamui-kun."

"Inuki and I looked under all the tables…" said Yuzuriha, while Inuki was lying on the ground nosing along his new Barbie toy.

_Inuki: Hiker Go-Go Girl Barbie fears no obstacle as she explores the jungle of the human idiots…_

"I looked through all the dead bodies…she's not there…" Arashi declared with obvious disappointment.

"SUMI! SUMI-CHAN! We had so much in common! Don't leave me! I CAN CHANGE!" screamed Sorata.

Kamui made no response to their fruitless attempts to find a person that never existed. Wherever Subaru was, Kamui at least found comfort that the onmyouji was powerful enough not to get into too much trouble.

Perhaps Subaru was finally free of all of this, Kamui mused. He wished that he could have had the same pleasure, but instead he was still trapped in this nightclub surrounded by a bunch of screaming idiots.

The others, with the exception of Aoki, continued their hunt for 'Sumi.' As Sorata's impassioned wails flew in and out of his ears, he glanced over at the dead windmaster with all his patience spent. However, without anything more productive to do, he pulled his chair closer to Aoki, and examined his limp form.

"You're a nerdy editor who, while playing an idiotic game of charades, ate a lethal barbeque chip that produced an allergic reaction to close your throat and have you go through an agonizing death, and was then dragged around town into an idiotic nightclub where you became that weird panda-guy's hero and were force-fed buffalo wings—none of which I should know about because I wasn't there."

With those words, Aoki stirred. Kamui jumped back, and tripped over himself with shock as the reanimated man shook off the dust that had accumulated over him from being dragged on the floor.

"Well done, Kamui-kun! I knew someone would get it!" exclaimed Aoki cheerfully. "And now to finish the rest of those buffalo wings…"

From the floor, Kamui felt the twitch in his eyes return to him as he watched the windmaster walk away completely unscathed. Then before he had a chance to gather his thoughts, a man came running to help him back up.

"Are you alright, young lady?"

"I'M A BOY!" seethed Kamui, making the man shiver and run in the opposite direction.

"So you are," remarked a rich voice at his back.

Kamui's rage iced over, and he shivered, feeling an unmistakable presence overshadow him. His back collided with a large frame, and before he could glance behind him, Kamui had been spun around and pinned against the nearest wall.

He gasped as his hips were forced against his captor's, but it was a sound born out of forbidden pleasure and exhilaration. "Fu-Fuuma…"

A cold smile spread itself over his lips. "Nice Friendship Sweater."

* * *

"Aa-aah! Seishirou-san…" Subaru swooned in their Four Seasons hotel room. 

Seishirou abruptly stopped toying with his ear as something else occupied his thoughts. "Um…Subaru-kun?"

"Seishirou-san…" he continued to moan under the assassin.

"…Subaru-kun…?"

Subaru was clearly spiraling in some psychological ecstasy. "SEISHIROU-SAN!"

"SUBARU-KUN!"

Subaru fell silent, and curiously looked up at Seishirou. "Yes?"

"I can't get off the dress. The zipper's stuck…"

_OWARI!_

* * *

Fuuma! I caved for you, **Jamie **and **Blazing Kitsune of the Tempest! **Done and done. Not much to do now…but sleep and think of writing future blasphemies. Until then, I have a final on vampires tomorrow. I'm serious. 

Love you all.

-Kyou-chan


End file.
